October 8, 2006...11:07 am
the state of my fingers and toes
i need a manicure and pedicure–the state of my fingers and toes is horrendous. and i must admit, i can tell some internal anxiety meter is spiking. because i do these HORRIBLE things when i get stressed out:
i pick at the hangnails on my fingers (and gnaw on them)…and i also pick the bottoms of my feet. i have not done the “picking of the bottoms of my feet” in YEARS but now i’m doing it again. what the fuck? i just pick and pick at the dry skin and now the bottom of my right foot is so cut up and tender. is this just another manifestation of self-mutilation? or just a nervous tic? or what?
bleah.
if i grossed you out, apologies. this is just one of those things i can now post on an anonymous blog. and now i have officially blogged something personal and NOT about writing here (i’m trying to diversify).
25 Comments
November 5, 2006 at 7:29 pm
[...] But as I realized the work on my back was coming to an end, I knew he would be unveiling my legs and FEET. I had forgotten about my stupid feet picking–he would see the jagged skin on the bottoms of my feet! If I had remembered about my feet, I would not have made a massage appointment (just as I have avoided the pedicurist–even though regular pedicures are usually what helps KEEPS ME from doing this to myself). The bottom of my right foot looks freaking diseased. And it makes ME look diseased. Once I had to tell a masseuse (another time where I forgot), “It’s not contagious, I just pick at it.” As if THAT gave her any comfort. Luckily my masseuse did not say anything and kept healing me. Also, my foot was not that bad off–I had laid off it for a couple days, I guess. [...]
November 16, 2006 at 8:59 pm
I have been picking at my thumbs and bottom of my feet for years. I had one doctor tell me its OCD and happens when Im most stressed out. Recently another Doctor told me its not OCD. My boyfriend says its the same as cutting but I dont see it like that. Most of the time I dont even know im doing it, its like i go into a trance or something.
November 16, 2006 at 9:39 pm
yup–i am familiar with cutting and it isn’t like that for me, either–though i have heard this behavior referred to as self-mutilation. i get into a trance, too.
more importantly, i must get to the root of my anxiety!
January 14, 2007 at 4:08 pm
I am so happy (I guess…
to know I am not the only “weirdo” (as my boyfriend calls me) that picks their feet. I don’t even know I am picking my feet until I get to fresh skin and start bleeding. I don’t mean to, and I want to stop… but right when I think my feet are healing I find something else on them to pick and enter a trance. Its horrible and it hurts to walk!! I won’t do something at that moment (like go to the bathroom) because I am so into picking my feet! But I love peeling skin off! Ugh! I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, but I learned to deal with my “bad thoughts.” Now this might be another side of OCD that my psychologist said would probably happen. She said once you get one aspect of OCD fixed, you usually will find something else. Too bad this one is so painful! If anyone finds a behavior that helps them stop… please let me know! What do you do NOT pick your feet?! HELP!
January 14, 2007 at 7:04 pm
Hi Melissa
one thing I do to curtail the picking of my feet is to wear socks and slather my feet with super rich foot lotion. i find that my OCD to “keep things nice and neat” does not want to perturb this particular balance of things.
of course, i sometimes fall off the wagon and pick away anyway.
March 6, 2007 at 10:59 pm
Reading this post + comments reassured me quite a bit in knowing that I’m not alone in my awful habits. I pick at my feet too…
before that it was cuticles. X’(
In reference to Melissa: “She said once you get one aspect of OCD fixed, you usually will find something else.”
March 6, 2007 at 11:00 pm
:O my last part got cut off:
I wrote (in ref. to Melissa’s comment)–
March 6, 2007 at 11:01 pm
I think my very existance proves this statement true.
July 19, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Picking at self = nerves.
January 4, 2008 at 9:50 am
I peel the skin off my fingers and toes too. I have been diagnosed with OCD but I also suffer from depression and anxiety aswell. I think the peeling, for me anyways, is to do with trying to perfect myself. I often peel the skin off until it’s raw and sometimes even bleeds and it’s quite painful at times and makes it difficult to use my hands because they become quite sore and sensitive. I spend ages trying to get my fingers and toes to look right but I never can because it just seems to make it worse, though I still do it. I keep telling myself that I’m going to stop doing it but I just end up doing it again, it’s like I can’t stop myself. I’d like to think that it’s just a bad habit but I think it’s more likely to be a symptom of my OCD and anxiety disorders.
Melissa, how did you manage to deal with your “bad thoughts”? I have had to cope with the same thing for the past 8 or so years, ever since high school and I’m 23 now.
I have seen a few psychiatrists but they haven’t helped me at all really but I think that’s mainly due to the fact that I find it hard to open up and talk about them.
February 10, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Try tons of lotion or gloves. Wear socks, it is caused by stress, anxiety. Record the times and dates you do this, you will see it coorelates with different stress factors in your life.
February 17, 2008 at 1:08 am
I am also addicted to picking my feet and fingers. I have totally ruined the bottom of my right foot. Half of the skin is gone. I don’t like to believe I am OCD, and I know I don’t do it because I am stressed. I just find it satisfactory to get rid of the loose skin. The only way I get myself to stop is too keep busy and leave the socks on and that rarely happens! As soon as my mind wanders and my socks are off, my hand automatically drifts to my feet or fingers. If I try to put on lotion that makes me start picking again because I have to rub my feet to put on the lotion. The only real way I believe I can stop doing this addiction is to either chop my fingers off or keep permanent band aids over the entire area!
February 20, 2008 at 12:41 am
with regards to the feet, i don’t wear socks i wear tights so its harder to get them off to pick, but i can’t wear gloves so most of my stress is taken out on my fingers. I feel so ashamed of them i can’t pass things to people or let my hands near them for fear of them seeing my hands. I need help…
March 27, 2008 at 5:28 pm
i didn’t realize there was a club for this - someone close to me has the same issue, but picks/peels his toenails right off –what the heck? although my OCD is popping and squeezing and peeling dry skin over and over again not allowing it to heal. do you think hypnosis is the answer? works for smokers…
March 30, 2008 at 2:00 am
I am SOOOOOO glad I found this post. I have been doing this forever and it’s so painful and embarassing. I have been trying to keep it from my husband and it has worked but who knows for how long. I fear he’ll see it while I’m sleeping. He recently yelled at me for biting the skin off and mutilating my fingers. We had a huge fight because he called it gross and I told him that was an asshole thing to say. I have tried to stop doing this but it never works. I’m glad there are others out there.
April 4, 2008 at 7:45 pm
OMG I didn’t know others had this problem too. I’m relieved that I’m not alone. I’ll try some of the suggestions posted.
April 17, 2008 at 3:27 pm
I’m only 15, but I’ve been picking and biting the skin off my fingers for half my life. I have NEVER had my hands completely clear of wounds, even when my mom would bandage me up. I’d pull the bandaids off and keep picking the skin. Now that I’m older, it’s starting to become so tedius, it’s becoming a wall between my mom and I because she thinks that if she can quit smoking, I can quit biting my fingers. I go to the nurse almost every other day to get bandaids on my fingers, and the nurse told me it was anxiety. So I got some pills for anxiety and it didn’t even do much for me, and I realised I’m not even someone who experiences anxiety! It never even came into my mind that it could be OCD until about a year ago when my mom was researching it. I also, picked at the heals of my feet and basically all other places that could form dead skin, like my toes and my lips. I also HAVE to pop any new zits that appear, I can’t just leave them alone. Now I’ve figured it out that no matter how much I would bleed or how much it would hurt, I just HAD to get that skin off, and once I did I felt satisfied. I’m ready to stop this gross habit but it’s a lot harder than people think. Now my friends point it out and ask, “What happened?!” I don’t want to be the girl with the gross fingers, that’s really sad.
I wish I could stop this.
April 25, 2008 at 9:43 am
I would recommend some nice, short, acrylic nails. I am a compulsive finger and toe picker. I do it when stressed (which is all the time) and when I was younger and had acrylic nails put on I didn’t do it. You just can’t. I’m glad I found this website and know I’m not the only one. Thanks. : )
May 3, 2008 at 6:36 pm
me too !! i have the same problem , nice to know im not the only one, but there must be a cause for it and cure for it.
May 7, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Wow! I can’t beleive all the other foot pickers out there.
I have been doing this since i was a kid and now that i am 29, it can get pretty bad. Toes bleed, cuticals ripped out, strips of calis on the heal and toes and sides of feet. I find i actually look for things to help me get larger portions off at a time. Nail clippers, razors, anything pointy like safty pins and stuff….anything to really get it going. Its totally twisted and it is extreamly trance like. Most of the time I don’t even know that i am doing it until I realize what I am doing and even then it feels like a gulity peasure. Sometimes they bleed, never terribly but man, your feet without calis is damn sore.
I have heard that it could be OCD…but I am a hardcore ADD sufferer. Can these two work together? I do have stress and anxity but doesn’t everyone to some degree and they don’t do this.
I also in the last few years…uh like 6….discovered playing with old drywall or breaking up small peices of concrete or some farily easy to break up brick and other such nonesence. collecting it like sand and rubbing that through my hands. Breaking it and playing and rubbing and foot picking and tearing and ripping….I wish it didn’t sound this f**t but i guess it is, My boyfriend knows I do both of these, it was hard to hid it forever…and he just says (lovingly) “You’re just crazy” I am begining to think this is a possiblity and not in a “loving” way. Actually this is the first time i have talked about it this much, detailed and all at once. HELP I am in my own Texas Chainsaw Massacre closet nightmare!!!!!!
June 15, 2008 at 10:33 pm
wow am i so glad to have googled this blog, im in the same boat as all of you, im a habitual toe picker (recently) but have always picked at my thumbs and cuticles to the point where my raw skin is throbbing. like you all, its almost trance like where i dont feel the pain while doing it but once im done, i can barely walk…its horrible esp now since summer has hit and its more noticeable….has anyone been able to stop successfully?
June 25, 2008 at 7:40 pm
I used to compulsively bite my nails, and they bled and were open and gross, and sometimes I would only have 1/3 of a nail left. I tried *everything* but the only thing that worked was getting short acrylic nails put on. (Key word being Short.) It was impossible for me to bite them. Only problem was, now that I’m out of that habit I have moved on to my toes. They are so bad (think: no nails on at least half of my toes and drawing blood daily) and they hurt something fierce. I’ve taken to pouring hydrogen peroxide on them when i’m done picking because i know they’ll get infected some day. I can’t very well put fake toenails on when there’s no nail to begin with… does anyone have *anything* they have done successfully for the toes? And once I get over that behavior, what other horrible disgusting OCD behavior do I have to look forward to? (Maybe I’ll just stick with the toes…
June 26, 2008 at 4:10 am
okay okay, so me too. I peel the bloody mess out of only my left foot (why not the right foot? beats me).
Now for some reason unknown to me; perhaps to console the others by recognition of the psychic unity that ensnares all us over-anxious frustrated and lonely Westerners, I feel the deep impulse to reply to this stream of confessional blogging that began with a single admittance in October of 2006.
I believe this fascination of mine started when I was a kid. I am and have always been a klutz, and at some point, at least 12/13, I had done it with such frequency on the exact same spot that I had permanently uglified my left baby toenail. Of course I tried to correct it, but instead that good intention was accompanied by the process of constant picking. Yuck yuck yuck. First my left foot, then my right. At some point I decided I would refuse to touch my feet. It was high school, and I wanted some boy. I managed to control my right foot addiction but not my left; the original sin. Now, 7 years later, my right foot is damn lovely, with no scars or deformity. I look at it and touch it gently as proof that I actually can stop; that my will is stronger than whatever nervous tactile fixation/self-mutilation/sublimation/self-perfection/I actually just love the f*ing feeling, so shut the *uck up if you don’t do it yourself or understand…kind of thing I got goin’ on…
So actually for years, perhaps 2, I stopped picking my feet cold turkey just after I’d gotten my right foot under control. It’s so difficult…the blank stare into hours with disjointed thoughts sliding through your consciousness; synapses which are most connected to your sense of feel in you hands and nails than to sight, sound or taste. Is that death, when that happens? Is that a itsy feeling of what it would feel like to exist without body or ego? No effin way. The feeling is like a coppery ground wire feeding underground to tap the source of life from the soil.
When I peel I often feel that it reminds me that I am alive. The constant work for my hands, and the layers I can feel satisfactorily ripping from my heel and toe are bliss. It’s a carnal pleasure, but so soothing and so intimate that perhaps it is one of the more dangerous. You only hurt yourself. You always catch it in time not to be permanently disabled. Socks. Hose. Gloves. Vaseline. Our weapons against tearing the flesh from our bodies to achieve to deeper, cleaner, more perfect part of our bodies, but maybe souls, too. It’s always waiting beneath that next layer of tender skin. Ah, I’ve never done this “tell the world all you personal bs” thing before, but I really had to do this.
Okay, so I stopped with the feet 100%, but then slowly turned to my finger nails. I wouldn’t realize what was happening until my hands burned from the soap I used. Next, I got my hands under control in about 6 months. I returned to my left foot soon after, but I only peeled around that ugly baby toe. For years with varying intensities, I left foot have it. I found several things to help reduce the anxiety or frustration thing. Just for the record, I am often very happy, but unhappiness and stress are very different. Happy happy people have nervous ticks or OCD and ADD and/or other anxiety related whatever out the whazoo. But I work a lot. Two jobs, my husband and school. For me, it’s a lot because it’s an entirely new experience. I am 22 and this happened very quickly; from my father’s house to my husband’s.
I have found that becoming scrupulous with foot care really helps. Instead of looking for sharp objects which I have done many many times, I tr to look for an emory board, pumice stone or foot smoother of some type. These things just aren’t as destructive as your hands or sharp objects b/c they work slowly. Usually after using them just a while during which an intense mental battle with my hands is occurring to keep them from picking, my foot (even though it may look shitty) because it feels much softer and more “perfect” after using it.
Beware, sometimes applying lotion after using some foot/callous smoother, may bring out the textures of you peeling holes if you have little mountains, valleys, gulfs and canyons like I do at times on your feet. Sometimes if I put lotion after smoothing I am very very tempted to “finish the job” with my nails. I leave the dust from the stones on my feet for awhile, it really has no negative affect (with socks on esp:).
I am also using foot washes whenever I can with my hellish schedule. I likes ones with tons of hard exfoliating crystals. They really make my heels feel softer. If I dont keep a rigid schedule my feet go south. If you want to stop (granted you may not) you have to approach is as regiment-like as meals or the bathroom. No choice in the manner.
Even though I love the feeling, I appreciate the softness of my skin and my walking more. I’m tired of limping around the house and work b/c of subconscious stressors. So um, good luck to whomever else has this issue. Just make sure you replace the addiction. I soak my feet and meditate instead of picking them and zoning out. The time waste is equal :). Now that I have read what others have to say and have had a chance to announce my sin, I really do feel absolved. The habit of peeling has always been a black monster in every corner for me. waiting to spring on a friend or lover or family member or masseuse or walker-by and scare the crap out of them. I am really to leave to room all together. Thank You. If I hadn’t known other did this shit I would really lose it; I mean the will to quit. hmmm writing is a bit cathartic.
June 28, 2008 at 2:07 am
Thanks! You know what else worked? Reading all of these messages actually helped me too. I went 24 hours without picking at my toes, (Hold the applause, hold the applause.) Now I think Whitney here is onto something with that emery board idea. Nail clippers are enemy #1 for me. I’ll start right now. Okay, maybe tomorrow.
July 15, 2008 at 8:23 am
i just had my 47th birthday two days ago and i have been peeling the skin off my fingers for as long as i can remember. i used to only do my thumbs but the past few years it has gotten totally out of control. i went to a therapist for depression a few years back and she asked me (after a few sessions) if i had ever been abused as a child. it shocked me that she would ask that, but after i thought about it i realised that i don’t remember most of my childhood, and my mother was a real bitter, moody bitch. i think now i may have begun this terrible practice in response to things that happened to me then. i only managed to stop one time, for a couple of months, and i did it by becoming obsessed instead with CARING for my nails and skin…lotion, nail polish wearing pretty rings, etc. but one day for whatever reason i started to pick again and now it looks worse than ever. i’d give anything to stop.
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