“…& A”

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A few days ago, I posted about questions writers dread. How to answer them? I’ve posted some suggestions below each question. I’m not an expert at this. I’ve been known to bite my lip, take a big bite of wedding cake, and say stupid things in real life scenarios.

And, because I’m in quite a snarky mood tonight, half of these answers are probably not useful. You’re welcome.

• So, have you been published anywhere?
  • Since your reading consists of People magazine and The Sharper Image catalogue–nowhere you’d know about. (amend, if you do write for People or The Sharper Image catalogue).
  • YES.
  • Fuck off Have YOU?
  • *peer at them suspiciously* Why do you want to know?
  • NO. *start crying*
  • How are you doing with your weight loss plan?
  • So HOW long have you been trying to have a baby?
  • When are you getting married?!
• So, do you have a literary agent?
  • I need to finish my novel first.
  • Fending them off!
  • Fuck off Do YOU?
  • *peer at them suspiciously* Why do you want to know?
  • How are you doing with your weight loss plan?
  • So HOW long have you been trying to have a baby?!
  • When are you getting married?!
• How long have you been working on that novel? (Once, someone asked me that question and then followed up with, “How come it takes so long? I have a friend who wrote a novel in one month! Like *snaps her fingers* THAT!”)
  • YEARS.
  • As long as you’ve been trying to have a baby!
  • As long as you’ve tried to lose those twenty five pounds!
  • When are you getting married?!
• Is there really a point to getting an MFA? What do you DO with an MFA?
  • What I like to DO with an MFA is talk about it with people like you
  • You could teach at community college with it.
  • It’s not the piece of paper–it’s about the 2+ years you spend sitting in workshop talking about your writing!
  • WA-WA-WEE-WA! Let’s make sexytime!
  • So how long have you been trying to have a baby?!
  • How’s that weight loss coming along?
  • When are you getting married?!
• I could write a novel.
  • Great–why DON’T you?
• Why would you want to be a writer?
  • It’s just what I want to do. It makes me happy, it fulfills my soul, it’s my DESTINY
  • Why would you want to be an asshole?
• So, does your husband support your hobby your writing career?
  • Yes.
  • Yes. As you know, he married this nerd who’s always attached to her laptop because that’s what you think of when you hear, “Trophy Wife!”
• Are you going to write about me?
  • You have NOOOO IDEA, I’m thinking of my next villain right now. Yes.
  • Yah, and I bet you won’t recognize yourself when I give you a big zit on your face and give you diarrhea in my next story. Yes.
• What do you do all day at home?
  • Masturbate to fantasies of you, is that what you want to HEAR?
  • Stare at the blank computer screen.
  • Hit the delete key a whole lot
  • Write
  • Do all the errands because “I’m home all day”
  • blog.
  • How’s that weight loss going?
  • So HOW long have you been trying to have a baby?!
• Do you make any money?
  • Yes. Just not on writing.
  • No.
  • How much do YOU make?
• What’s your novel about? (followed by glazed eyes–if you are really interested, this can have a very cool outcome).
  • Well, you see it’s about this guy who…
  • That’s for me to know and you to pay money to find out!
  • Only if you tell me something about YOU.
  • Can I talk about your fetus before IT’s born?
  • I’m not ready to talk about it.
• What have you written that I would have read?
  • What paper did you push at work that would make a difference in my life?
  • *cast eyes downward and sigh* Nothing.
  • If you have to ask….
  • What question is this on your checklist of judging questions?
  • You READ?

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