No one told me that graduating from my MFA program would feel like postpartum depression. Or just, depression.
I am feeling very very lost these days. And for someone who usually is (or feels) as surefooted as I am, this sensation of uncertainty is alarming. The bottom, in a way, has fallen out of my world.
In the loss of flooring, I have an acute sense of what else supports me. What and who give me strength, happiness, etc. Inside, I’m clamoring for these things. It sums up to a lot, and a little.
There have been points this week where I felt very distraught and alone (I was literally alone, as the hubby was on a long business trip overseas). Who could I call? I thumbed through my phonebook, and found myself veto’ing each person. (Nope–not him. Nope–she would freak out if I called like this. Nope–she wouldn’t hear it. Nope–she’s NEVER heard me cry, she’d freak out too. Nope–we don’t have that kind of relationship….)
Very few of my friends have seen me vulnerable, and so they don’t know what to do or say and in sum, they freak out. And in turn, I’m not good at being vulnerable at all. It seems I need practice at laying prostrate, belly up, and someone needs to erase my memories of people who have stepped on me while I have done that.
My world is very gray too. The black and white have now merged. Again, to a result of feeling lost. Things have lost their clarity.
It’s driving me nuts, plunging me into a great sense of helplessness. Guess what. I hate feeling helpless, too. And I hate bitching. So that results in me being very quiet. Which then makes me feel more alone.
I understand that the gray spaces, feeling lost–can be an opportunity. Someone once explained that it could be an opportunity, and that it is a space to explore and embrace. The rules are gone, there are no boundaries, and new things, experiences, and ideas are in the mist. It’s hard for me to see it that way.
I can tell things are about to change, and that I am not in control. I am very afraid and worried, spending most of my time rationalizing as much as I can or plunging myself into the fictional world of my writing. I wish I weren’t so afraid and worried (what am I going to do with what I learned? What next?), I wish I could enjoy this ride a little more.