I have become addicted to Doritos. The Doritos addiction has exceeded my ongoing infatuation with chocolate (once, my husband cleaned out my pantry and said, “What is UP with all the chocolate?”–I had bits and pieces of gourmet chocolate EVERYWHERE. It was behind the peanut butter, by the Campbell’s soup cans, on the top shelf next to the noodles, and just as soon as you thought you had found all the chocolate, you would discover another piece somewhere by the sugar). I have to have a little piece of chocolate everyday. Just a bite. It keeps me going.
But now it’s like that with Doritos. I developed the addiction at Hedgebrook, where the food was so healthy that I rebelled. Everything about the place was so nurturing and healthy–the environment, the country air, the nice people, the large expanse of time…and the food. It was low sugar, low carb, low fat (I’m talking organic cane sugar in the food, vegan high protein meals of tempeh or garbanzo beans, wonderful low sodium soups made with veggies straight from the garden). Even the daily baked cookies were healthier! (Later, when my husband picked me up for the long drive home, he took me to Subway sandwich and I went nuts! There was SO MUCH FLAVOR in the Subway sandwich! And then we had a white macadamia nut cookie from Subway too–the sugar was overwhelming. I could only have one bite, and even then, I got a bit hyper in the car).
Anyway–back to the healthy food. It was great, I was happy to lose weight, I was proud of myself, but after awhile, I just wanted some toxins. And I was HUNGRY. So fucking HUNGRY. And I was also just so ANGRY, I didn’t want to eat healthy anymore! I wanted to be bad! I dreamt about junk food. I scrounged through their pantry and found absolutely no junk food.
So I hiked through the woods, and took a bus into town, where I bought a big-ass bag of Doritos. (I’m sure if you had taken a secret videotape of me spotting the Doritos I would have looked insane). HEAVEN. OMG, it was heaven. I ate Doritos everyday that last week at Hedgebrook. I ate it for breakfast, and then with my lunch, and then as an afternoon snack. I am sure the health conscious people at Hedgebrook probably entered my cottage after I left and were like, “What is this NEON orange…powder? What IS this? Were aliens in this cottage?”
You would think one bag would have sufficed. Nope. I ate THREE big bags of Doritos that last week at my writing residency. I think there is even a neon orange stain on my last journal entry of the cottage.
And you would have thought that those three bags would have sufficed. But nooooo, here I am, months later, still eating Doritos nearly everyday.
I must stop.
But I cannot.