“…& A”

A few days ago, I posted about questions writers dread. How to answer them? I’ve posted some suggestions below each question. I’m not an expert at this. I’ve been known to bite my lip, take a big bite of wedding cake, and say stupid things in real life scenarios.

And, because I’m in quite a snarky mood tonight, half of these answers are probably not useful. You’re welcome.

  • So, have you been published anywhere?
    • Since your reading consists of People magazine and The Sharper Image catalogue–nowhere you’d know about. (amend, if you do write for People or The Sharper Image catalogue).
    • YES.
    • Fuck off Have YOU?
    • *peer at them suspiciously* Why do you want to know?
    • NO. *start crying*
    • How are you doing with your weight loss plan?
    • So HOW long have you been trying to have a baby?
    • When are you getting married?!
  • So, do you have a literary agent?
    • I need to finish my novel first.
    • Fending them off!
    • Fuck off Do YOU?
    • *peer at them suspiciously* Why do you want to know?
    • How are you doing with your weight loss plan?
    • So HOW long have you been trying to have a baby?!
    • When are you getting married?!
  • How long have you been working on that novel? (Once, someone asked me that question and then followed up with, “How come it takes so long? I have a friend who wrote a novel in one month! Like *snaps her fingers* THAT!”)
    • YEARS.
    • As long as you’ve been trying to have a baby!
    • As long as you’ve tried to lose those twenty five pounds!
    • When are you getting married?!
  • Is there really a point to getting an MFA? What do you DO with an MFA?
    • What I like to DO with an MFA is talk about it with people like you
    • You could teach at community college with it.
    • It’s not the piece of paper–it’s about the 2+ years you spend sitting in workshop talking about your writing!
    • WA-WA-WEE-WA! Let’s make sexytime!
    • So how long have you been trying to have a baby?!
    • How’s that weight loss coming along?
    • When are you getting married?!
  • I could write a novel.
    • Great–why DON’T you?
  • Why would you want to be a writer?
    • It’s just what I want to do. It makes me happy, it fulfills my soul, it’s my DESTINY
    • Why would you want to be an asshole?
  • So, does your husband support your hobby your writing career?
    • Yes.
    • Yes. As you know, he married this nerd who’s always attached to her laptop because that’s what you think of when you hear, “Trophy Wife!”
  • Are you going to write about me?
    • You have NOOOO IDEA, I’m thinking of my next villain right now. Yes.
    • Yah, and I bet you won’t recognize yourself when I give you a big zit on your face and give you diarrhea in my next story. Yes.
  • What do you do all day at home?
    • Masturbate to fantasies of you, is that what you want to HEAR?
    • Stare at the blank computer screen.
    • Hit the delete key a whole lot
    • Write
    • Do all the errands because “I’m home all day”
    • blog.
    • How’s that weight loss going?
    • So HOW long have you been trying to have a baby?!
  • Do you make any money?
    • Yes. Just not on writing.
    • No.
    • How much do YOU make?
  • What’s your novel about? (followed by glazed eyes–if you are really interested, this can have a very cool outcome).
    • Well, you see it’s about this guy who…
    • That’s for me to know and you to pay money to find out!
    • Only if you tell me something about YOU.
    • Can I talk about your fetus before IT’s born?
    • I’m not ready to talk about it.
  • What have you written that I would have read?
    • What paper did you push at work that would make a difference in my life?
    • *cast eyes downward and sigh* Nothing.
    • If you have to ask….
    • What question is this on your checklist of judging questions?
    • You READ?
  • Advertisements

9 Comments

Filed under Funny Shit, Life, Writing

9 responses to ““…& A”

  1. You crack me up, Jade. Thanks for the chuckles….

  2. I believe the correct comeback under the question “Is there really a point to getting an MFA? What do you DO with an MFA?” should be: wawaweewa.. “let’s make sexytime” ala Borat.

  3. This is soooo funny, but you forgot my favorite (er, unfavorite) question: “What have you written that I would have read?”

  4. ohyes! how could i FORGET? It _is_ “Let’s make SEXYTIME” 🙂

  5. Susan: your question is up!

  6. This is fanfuckingtastic! I am in hysterics over here. Thank you for this post. I want to print it out and carry it around in my pocket.

  7. This made me laugh out loud. I’ve always answered these questions in the polite mode, but inside was another story. I have one to add also:
    You know, I’ve had a really fascinating life. Why don’t you write my life story?

  8. Pingback: the story that would piss everyone off « Writing Under a Pseudonym

  9. Pingback: novel progress report « Writing Under a Pseudonym

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s