swimming ideas

something happened to my brain the day before new year’s. we were walking towards the hardware store in the parking lot when all of a sudden, i began to feel dizzy. my husband was way ahead of me and i was alone in the parking lot, when the world tilted and became very very small. he turned around and came back for me. i urged him to go in the store while i sat down outside, trying to get a grip. the world tilted, i could barely think, i could barely talk. i saw double. i closed my eyes.

within a few minutes, i was back to normal. it was as if that parking lot were some weird schism in my brain. by the time we got back home i was able to see normally again, but i was totally exhausted. i lay down on the couch and promptly went to sleep.

when i woke up a few hours later, i felt like i’d lost a big chunk of my memory–or at least, those memories feel like they’re laying in a very deep curtain. it’s mostly recent stuff–unfortunately, most of my vacation in the mountains.

for awhile, i troubled over the weirdest memories only to realize they were not real, they were just things my brain had made up on me. mostly, they were things that were conceptual and fantastic and were not real but somehow i had mixed up reality with fantasy. the last couple of days, i’ve been trying to pick out the real stuff that happened, from the made up fantasies. actually, i gave up. i couldn’t sort them out. so it goes.

so what’s the problem other than some weirdly crossed memories?

lots of ideas, but i can’t articulate them. when it comes time to describe them, i just can’t. my day to day responsibilities? no problem. i can carry them out. but when it comes to figuring out more abstract, conceptual things…and when it comes to more abstract, conceptual tasks (such as creative writing)…that’s when i just can’t get it together.

something in my brain burped. most of what i want to do is just out of my grasp. i feel like i know how to do them, but then when i go to do them, i just…CAN’T. day by day, i’m regaining my abilities, so i hope this is just temporary.

already, i can do so much that i could not do the last couple of days. for instance, type something this original and of this length.

i can’t do any creative writing. but i can read creative writing. i’m reading “Slaughter-House-Five” by Vonnegut. so for now, i’m reading. trying to write when i can, here and in my diary.

it’s scary to think that i cannot write. i cannot. but time will tell.


Filed under Life, The Stroke, Writing

44 responses to “swimming ideas

  1. zditty

    YOu may have experienced a panic attack. Without knowing more of the details, I can’t be sure. Regardless, I hope you are doing OK. And, you can write. Really.

    Happy New Year

  2. hey zditty. I’d love to think this was a panic attack. I am not so sure at all, especially the loss of some of my short-term memory since that attack. Of course, here I am, in denial of it all, refusing to go to a doctor, so we’ll never know.

    In the interim, I hope my brain fully recovers and i can write creatively again!

  3. um, I have to say this sounds a bit worrisome! I am worried. I would get it checked out…

  4. w

    Please, please, please go see a doctor right away. Brain burps should not be ignored.

  5. mel

    Please – go to the doctor.

  6. believe me, i’m trying to make an appt with my doctor. apparently, she has to “get back to me” before i can see her. wtf.

  7. I’m glad you’re calling your doctor. Please take care, and please do follow up on this.

    How’s the infection – it has cleared up mostly, hasn’t it? could any of this be related to the medication for it?

    Bless you. And happy new year.

  8. lucy

    This is very worrisome. Please please take care of yourself and bring us back some reassuring news.

  9. oooh. once during a migraine i fainted at work (or passed out) and suddenly i was at home. apparently i drove myself home semi-blacked out from a migraine. i had a bunch of tests–drs thought i might have had a seizure or a stroke–but the tests all came out “normal”. go figure. but do have it checked out. i’m thinking of you!

  10. jadepark

    Hi typing on my blaackberry from a hospital bed. I had a stroke! Will be better.

  11. Jadepark, oh my god, I hope you are all right. I am thinking of you, am concerned, want you to be okay.

  12. jade, you are amazing, blogging on a blackberry from a hospital after having a stroke. ditto ditto what nova said – thinking of you, concern, love, want you to be okay.

  13. Yeah, I was going to say, sounded like one of those little bitty strokes people sometimes have. I wish I’d been checking blogs, I would have told you to go right to the ER with symptoms like that.

    My girlfriend was just telling me about such things a while back, and I’d been wondering whether I might be heading for one myself, with the weirdness I’m seeing in my own nervous system. (Though apparently it’s not likely, at least according to tests I’ve had recently.) I’m glad you’re okay enough to be typing on a blackberry — that’s a good sign.


  14. When I read this, I thought maybe you were having the early signs of pregnancy but didn’t know it yet. I’m so sorry to hear about the stroke! I hope your doctors are taking good care of you.

  15. jade! I hope you are home and back to your wonderful self soon.

  16. Thank you everyone I am still in the hospital dealing with tests but everyday is better.

  17. Yowza!

    My girlfriend had a stroke years back and other than a teensy (pinhead) blind spot in one eye has no other damage from it. She completely recovered her memory in the space of a few months.

    I wish you a quick and complete recovery. (and super fast results from tests)

  18. Oh my god. I have been offline a lot. I just found this note. Oh I am so sorry you are in the hospital sweetie. My thoughts are with you and your hubby. Are you here or up at your mountain house?

  19. I, too, have been offline for some time, but I’m very glad that you’re feeling much better. I just got a forwarded e-mail a couple of days ago about how to tell when someone has a mild stroke. Strange coincidence. Enjoy the time you have to read. Sometimes I wish I could forget about writing and just read for a few weeks. And I will see you soon!

  20. I wish i *could* read. I’m having a hard time reading. It turns out that whatever I read, I don’t remember (I don’t remember much of Vonnegut). And I can’t really write.

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  22. leonessa: it happened at the mountain house. it wasn’t until i got back “here” that i realized things were so significantly off kilter. then i went to the hospital.

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  25. Thanks for another awesome post. Keep rocking.

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