something happened to my brain the day before new year’s. we were walking towards the hardware store in the parking lot when all of a sudden, i began to feel dizzy. my husband was way ahead of me and i was alone in the parking lot, when the world tilted and became very very small. he turned around and came back for me. i urged him to go in the store while i sat down outside, trying to get a grip. the world tilted, i could barely think, i could barely talk. i saw double. i closed my eyes.
within a few minutes, i was back to normal. it was as if that parking lot were some weird schism in my brain. by the time we got back home i was able to see normally again, but i was totally exhausted. i lay down on the couch and promptly went to sleep.
when i woke up a few hours later, i felt like i’d lost a big chunk of my memory–or at least, those memories feel like they’re laying in a very deep curtain. it’s mostly recent stuff–unfortunately, most of my vacation in the mountains.
for awhile, i troubled over the weirdest memories only to realize they were not real, they were just things my brain had made up on me. mostly, they were things that were conceptual and fantastic and were not real but somehow i had mixed up reality with fantasy. the last couple of days, i’ve been trying to pick out the real stuff that happened, from the made up fantasies. actually, i gave up. i couldn’t sort them out. so it goes.
so what’s the problem other than some weirdly crossed memories?
lots of ideas, but i can’t articulate them. when it comes time to describe them, i just can’t. my day to day responsibilities? no problem. i can carry them out. but when it comes to figuring out more abstract, conceptual things…and when it comes to more abstract, conceptual tasks (such as creative writing)…that’s when i just can’t get it together.
something in my brain burped. most of what i want to do is just out of my grasp. i feel like i know how to do them, but then when i go to do them, i just…CAN’T. day by day, i’m regaining my abilities, so i hope this is just temporary.
already, i can do so much that i could not do the last couple of days. for instance, type something this original and of this length.
i can’t do any creative writing. but i can read creative writing. i’m reading “Slaughter-House-Five” by Vonnegut. so for now, i’m reading. trying to write when i can, here and in my diary.
it’s scary to think that i cannot write. i cannot. but time will tell.