a list of tests

Writing is like taking a constipated poo these days. That’s what a stroke will do to a writer.

Here’s the rub.

This semester, I will probably not take classes. I’ve been obsessed with this for at least a week, and I just can’t envision myself doing it. My brain stays focused for 2 hours a day after which point it just fizzles into a sobbing, foggy mess. To write a paper would be like some couch potato running a marathon. To try to stay focused in a seminar would be nearly impossible. Nevermind the fact that my prose is just soggy.

If I let myself have some time to heal, I know I’ll end up better off. And besides, I’ve had enough “tests”:

  • a CT scan which determined that i’d had some sort of brain event
  • an MRI which determined that i’d had a stroke
  • an angiogram (angioscan?)
  • an MRA (angiography?)
  • an echocardiogram of my heart
  • an upper endoscopy where they discovered a hole in my heart
  • tons of blood (who knows how many times i’ve been stuck and have had blood pulled from me)

And I’ve had my fair share of emotion, too. Apparently, one of the side effects of strokes is more crying and not being able to contain my temper. I’ve cried when I found out my hubby doesn’t have to give me lovenox shots anymore (it was happiness, people), I’ve cried when I just felt overwhelmed. I’ve totally shot down the people at the pharmacy when they gave me attitude. Sheeit.

Soon, I’ll be writing again, and this blog will turn to that subject. For now, it’s about my healing as a writer. I learned today, after several hours of being at work, that I just shouldn’t strain myself so much. I think I can take 2 hours of concentrated effort. My brain is still really foggy. I came home and cried for half an hour because I couldn’t remember a question I wanted to ask. I couldn’t remember what the doctor told me on the phone. I was overwhelmed by the most basic crap. I just felt so fucking stupid. This, after my friends at work did their best to shield me from all the inquisitive visitors. This, even though I know I’ll eventually be okay. Sheeit.



Filed under Life, The Stroke

6 responses to “a list of tests

  1. I think no classes is a good idea, and don’t spend too much time at work! Take it easy and get better. School, work and writing aren’t going anywhere. They’ll be waiting for you when you’re ready.

  2. Pingback: things to look forward to « Writing Under a Pseudonym

  3. mel

    Healing as a writer is just as much about writing as writing is. I’m glad you decided not to take classes (even though I know you didn’t want to talk about it a
    few days ago.)

    Octavia Butler once said, “I have this theory that anything that happens to you that leaves you alive and intact can be used somewhere in your writing.” Like you said, you’ll be ok eventually; this isn’t going to stop you from being a writer. Right now your health (physical and otherwise) matters most. I know the words and stories will follow.

  4. What Mel said.

    And do you remember the cover story on Samina Ali in Poets and writers a couple of years ago? She had two brain hemorrhages, went into a seven-day coma, had a bunch of other major stuff. She recovered and finished her novel.

    You will write again. Rest now. Take care of yourself. Don’t push yourself! I am sorry you won’t be at school (for my own selfishness – I was looking forward to being in Craft of Fiction with you) but I am glad you are taking the time to heal.

    Be well, friend.

    Oh yes, and the tears. Let them come. There’s plenty to cry about in the world, and don’t tears release some sort of chemical that makes you feel better? I cried a little today and got about six hugs from people afterward. Here’s a hug for you through the internet…

  5. Tea

    I’m so sorry to hear the news–but I do agree with Mel about the hard parts being of use later. I’ve been going through some medical nightmares myself, and they are definitely fodder. Be gentle with yourself, it will come.

  6. MJ

    Hey there lady.
    Just sending you warm positive vibes.

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