How do I followup to my previous post on feeling awful? As I was emailing a friend explaining the matter, the nature of written correspondence is interesting in its execution and reception. The minute I write it down, my emotional state changes and moves, but the words stay the same. My readers will read my post a year later and absorb it then, feel what I felt two days ago in that moment, and likely write me a comment, responding to a moment that has by then long passed.

And me?  I’m reminded of how awful I felt.  And yes, two days later, I still feel quite awful, but now want to move past it.  I’m not one for staying low so then I’m embarrassed and honestly, ashamed, for having felt low at all.

Now it’s two days later, and things haven’t changed much at all. I’m not feeling all that great, but at the same time, not feeling as despondent. I still feel penned in by the limitations of my brain (my hubby and I brought up the cool analogy of a computer hard drive missing sectors as another way to explain what’s happened to me), and I so wish that I could just get another freaking brain–lift every one of my memories and brain functions, put them on a temporary drive, then get a new brain and download them all back. Voila–all fixed. You know?

But I’m glued to the timeline of reality, glued. I am not driving the bus. Someone else is driving the bus and I’ve got to follow my brain’s pace. I want to go back to work, but I really can’t. I want to remember things, but I can’t. I want to retain things in my memory, but I can’t. I’m getting better, but now it’s verrrry sloooowwwwwly.

I guess it’s time for me to learn a new lesson: patience.



Filed under Life, The Stroke

6 responses to “Uh…hi.

  1. We were all born a century or two too early for brain-swapping. Something I regret more than once a week, but that’s the old SF-noggin’ for ya.

    Don’t feel badly about having felt badly. You’re supposed to get frustrated, or everyone’ll wonder why you aren’t. But I’m glad to see you soldiering on just the same.

  2. Hey Jade–Ditto what Gord said. And I think you’ve got yourself a cool sci-fi story to write. I like your idea. I wonder what would happen if a person uploaded the information one too many times…like, maybe the data files get corrupted or something and they become a completely different person. But I digress…

    There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. And I like what you said: “The minute I write it down, my emotional state changes and moves, but the words stay the same.

    It makes me question whether we write to capture a moment or release a moment. I’m sure we write for both reasons, and more, but I think you’re doing so well. I admire your perseverance.

  3. Jade,

    I won’t say hang in there, because I know that that would piss me off, were I in your situation. I will say it is good you continue to recognize your progress towards wellness. It is also really, really important that you continue to recognize its markers, no matter how small. Stay motivated and on the move.

    In another vein, are the footprints in the snow in this picture in a heart shape? I like the photo.

  4. What I read sounds more like a grieving process you are going through. As I look back on your entries, there was the denial, the anger, numbness or sadness and slowly you are working toward patience or acceptance. All of it is healing and I agree with slynne, this blog as well as other “memory catchers” (like the wind chatchers), help mark your progress and you are progressing thru this process…not an easy one to be sure.

  5. Leroy–you are a genius–it never dawned on me that in addition to just having less control over my emotions these days that I am actually going through a grieving process! It makes TOTAL sense. And now I must mull THAT over.

    Thanks everyone for your support and helpful comments, at times this little blog is my link to the world in weird ways.

  6. I agree with Leroy; I think there is a lot of grieving going on here – grieving of your old “self,” grieving of many losses (work, school plans, control over every day things!). It’s a lot to deal with, jade, and I hope you can find compassion for yourself throughout this process. I’m sending you lots of hugs and support. No matter what “shows” or doesn’t, you’ve sustained many losses over these past weeks.

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