VERY tired

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No blog posts these days–I have been VERY tired and unfocused due to a social obligation of mine that has my house crowded with guests each evening. Everyday I gear my mind up to the big event and there is room for very little else. Tonight is the last night of my social responsibilities–and so I am allowing myself to wind down and relax as much as I can.

I only suppose writing is part of that relaxation–for my initial post ended right here.  But then I realized there was so much more I wanted to say and write, and to hold it back became unbearable, like holding my breath.  As a writer, sometimes the only way I can really say what I need to say, aka The Truth, is through writing.  So here goes.

Last night, I turned to my husband and said, “I think I’m back to Week 4 [of recovery],” feeling my exhaustion in the fuzzy edges of my brain. I could feel my cognitive abilities decline–I’d look at the writing on the back of my hand (yes, where I write so many reminders in a frenzy) and none of it made sense. “Dog?” Why would I write “Dog?” What was it about the dog that I had to do? And I’m forgetting things said to me in conversation. I’m back to “Week 4,” walking in a deeper fog.

Still, this social obligation has been quite fun and stimulating, and I’m interested in how it will lead my recovery. Last week’s visit from my mom sped my recovery and now I wonder if this weekend has entirely erased the progress. And the week ahead will be a fast hitting week, too: a short plane trip out of town and a relentless social calendar that won’t let up for days. Of course, I am not willing to part with any of it. Don’t convince me otherwise. (You may support and encourage me to tackle it all, however. :P)

Compound this physical demand with the fretting I’ve been doing about friendships these days (post to come, I think). I’m adjusting to the concept of (previously?) close friends who have just utterly abandoned me, who have drawn a line in the sand and said, “I will not go over this line to be with you where you are.” At this point, to be honest, I don’t care about their reasons even though I have spent quite a lot of time trying to convince myself, “Those are their limits, Jade.”

Why should I be 100% understanding? I’ve tried that path, and nothing changes. It really really hurts. It makes me angry to be abandoned. Do I channel this anger and hurt towards their behavior…or do I maybe do a post on “how to be a friend to someone who’s sick?” to help others? Or maybe forget it all (yah right).

As for my awful speech therapy: I’ve cancelled my appointments with The Awful Speech Therapist and am waiting back for a call on the other speech therapist’s availability. Apparently…there are only TWO…in this semi-urban town! It has now been over a month and a half since my stroke and I STILL have no regular speech therapist.

I am ANGRY about that. Do I really have to go about my recovery all alone? Clearly, the answer is YES. I am fumbling through this dark room and knocking things about, when a guide has been promised to me. And yet the guide has not shown up. I am ANGRY about that. I am angry that I already feel so alone, only to be compounded by the fact that help that should arrive, never does.

By the time I do get a speech therapist, she really WILL say, “Oh you LOOK FINE. You don’t NEED ME.” And I will seethe.

So how to sum up how I’ve been feeling? I was thinking of an analogy or a description the other day when my husband and I went through a tunnel with the top down on the car. The wind noise was incredible, the vision decreased. I could see ahead to a little white light at the end of the tunnel–and that became my focal point, the only clear thing in my mind amidst the noise and blurring vehicles. I tried to talk, but could not be heard. I settled into the white noise, unable to overcome it.

When we emerged from the tunnel, in sunlight and finally rid of the noise, fresh air pounding our faces, I turned to my husband and said, “THAT is how it feels like sometimes.”

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13 Comments

Filed under Life, The Stroke

13 responses to “VERY tired

  1. Take care of yourself.

    I’ll admit I miss you here! Hope the big social obligation goes smoothly.

  2. I feel the same way. Going to crash out myself.

    ggw

  3. w

    Do you think it would be helpful to show your third speech therapist this blog? That way, he or she can informally track your progress, thoughts, frustrations, and questions, and perhaps come to the next appointment better informed of your wishes, rather than just dismissing you because you LOOK fine.

    Or, if you want to maintain privacy, you can copy your Stroke posts into a whole separate space/blog just for the speech therapist to view.

  4. Sounds like you have gone through and yet have tunnels to go through Jade. You describe getting through them though and to me, that is important that you are able to come out on the other side.

    Actually being tired after the weekend you have had would be normal for most folks. I only hope you can relax enough to sleep before you move on to you next social obligation. Pace yourself while moving through the next few weeks. Just remember that if the tunnel is too long, take ear plugs and a flashlight.

    (hugs)

  5. w–good suggestion. I let my first therapist know of this blog, and once I have a good relationship with my third (and hopefully final) therapist I will probably let her know of this blog. I never bothtered to let my 2nd therapist know of course.

    Leroy–thanks. I think I will take those ear plugs, a flashlight…and probably a warm blanket.

  6. A couple comments–H-man and I learned it takes a long time to find good medical personnel….only last week, after eight years of living here, did we learn there is a specialist that can see H-man just a half hour up the road…why it never occurred to his many doctors that this might be a good idea? Who knows? But after eight years, we finally have assembled most of a decent medical team. He has another appt this week; we’ll see whether or not we like the doctor. I know this is the last thing you want to read. But–remember how much healing you’ve done in a relatively short time. And expect bad days and times. You will have them for a while to come. Pat yourself on the back for being able to manage a schedule like that without crumbling into little bits.

    Friends. We went through the same thing, and were hurt terribly. One woman-once a good friend– actually wanted me to organize her wedding while we were at our very lowest point–learning to cope with the wheelchair, sick, alone, and very sad. I told her to go to hell. And I’m proud of that.

    The bald truth is most people cannot cope with illness. This is not your fault. You have a right to your feelings. Another bald truth: when you are ready, go out and make friends who only know you in this new world called “after.” They will accept you as you are and be better equipped to cope with your brain. They don’t know you any other way.

    Hang in there. We in the ‘sphere are rooting for you.

  7. Oh Jade! There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel… sorry, couldn’t resist. At any rate you’re in a good area and even though it may take a while to find the right medical help, you’ll find it. Fighting!

  8. mel

    This has been a time of much transition. I hope your new therapist is the third-time charm.

    As for friends, have you talked to them? I know some people go into a state of paralysis for different reasons, not knowing the “right” thing to do, and afraid of doing the “wrong” thing.

  9. When, ten years ago, I had my breakdown, I realized who my “true friends” were. They are the ones I hold close to me still. I wasn’t angry with the people I lost, but that is probably because I was drugged for a few months and thankful for the sleep. 😉

    This past fall, when the boyfriend was in and out of the hospital, I found out (yet again) who some of my newer, truer friends are. My close friends from college–scattered over the globe–still had time to phone or email well wishes every now and then. And my newer close friends just showed up with food when I was at home and didn’t ask that I talk, just that I eat.

    At first I was livid with the people who dropped out when the BF was sick. A few months later I have all but forgotten them. It still stings. It sounds banal, but I am more thankful for the souls who held me up when I felt like I couldn’t stand on my own.

    Some people honestly do go into paralysis for the reasons Mel mentioned above; sometimes it triggers their own hidden psychological issues. And sometimes it does help to talk to people, especially in a longer-term healing process. However, you do not need to be 100% understanding by any stretch. It’s respectful of you to be understanding of others’ limitations, but if they will not be understanding of yours, why should you work so much harder?

    I don’t know what the solution is, unfortunately. I act out of anger very quickly, and often I regret it. I do know that I don’t regret trying harder with the people I let go. I realized they were never going to be the people I thought they were.

    I hold tight to the friends who stayed.

  10. mel

    It’s a hard decision or realization to make, I think. I’ve had to break off people when I found I didn’t like the way they treated me – whether it’s draining your energy, or in your case Jade, where they’re not supporting you.

    Someone told me the test is if you miss the people who are suddenly absent from your life. If you do, perhaps it merits a call or email. If you don’t, maybe you never needed them.

  11. I don’t think there is such a test–I miss everyone who is suddenly absent from my life. But I am too tired to reach out, to be frank, although I am really good at putting up a strong front. Or rather, I am too frightened (and well trained at hiding) to put my real face out there.

    I am not talking about flowers or gifts (they are sooo nice of course), and I am beginning to realize that there is a line in the world of “having been sick/dealth with sickness” and “never having dealt with sickness.”

    Is it fair that we are so divided? Probably not. Is there that awful line? Yes, as BarkingKitten and loosegreentea have so described in their comments, and as I have learned in harsh ways.

    Maybe I will put up a post on what I need/want from friends these days. Gifts are wonderful but they are not the core of what I need. An email saying “Hey, I’m thinking about you.” THAT would be excellent.

    Hearing word that people are TALKING about me, but not hearing directly from them? Or even, really, strictly limited to this blog? Not excellent, and very very weird.

    Okay, very tired–on the East Coast right now…maybe I will regret what I’ve posted here, but oh well, I am way too tired to beat around the bush.

  12. mel

    I know you must be so stressed and tired, but you do have people who support you. I guess we all put up fronts when we’re hurting or afraid of getting hurt (or have been hurt already).

    I emailed you offline. Let me know what i can do.

  13. Thinking about you here in the midwest Jade and sending you good vibes…..sleep may be your best friend right now *smile*

    Thanks for letting us know where you are and how you are feeling this week.

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