lock me up


Dear G*d

Please lock me up in a nice room with a great view and climate control, some awesome linens, all the books I can read, my laptop with an internet connection, good company, my wiener dogs, and friends, and a television with TiVO. Oh, and great room service. In this way, I hope to prevent hurting others…and to prevent others from hurting me. I am really sick of losing my temper at other people, and really sick of getting hurt by others.

Please do not let me out until I’m better, until I have the ability to control my temper back, until I am no longer sad and angry and outraged and depressed.

Thank you,


p.s. And don’t let me grow fat while I’m in the room, either.

p.p.s.  There is a chorus of frogs ribbiting in our backyard.  Please keep them in the requested scenario, because the frogs are strangely comforting to me.



Filed under Life, The Stroke

6 responses to “lock me up

  1. Unlocking you up is the only way to learn how to gain control of those emotions, right? You are justing wanting yourself and others to be safe in the process….its that feeling of vulnerability that brings out that need for safety. When you feel out of control, you feel vulnerable and you wish you could become a rock that shows no feeling and can feel no feelings. A safe existence and everyone needs a level of safety/security, but we also need more than an existence.

    Would your wish come true, I wonder how long before you got lonely? How long would it be before you “risked” again? I hope not long.

  2. LeRoy: I don’t know how lonely I’d get–I’m generally an extrovert, but give me Instant Messenger, email, and the ability to blog…and I think I might be fine for awhile! ANYTHING, at this point, to NOT hurt anymore is fine by me.

    Now if only I can find that psychological “wall” and put it up.

  3. mel

    Jade, I think it’s ok to take refuge. I like your list of essentials (I almost thought, “What about good food? We need food while we’re in that room!!” Then I saw the thing about room service – sigh of relief).

    I see this as a time for you to care for yourself, and then come out of that room when you’re ready.

  4. jade, I think this is a pretty clear recipe for what you need/want right now. take refuge.

  5. Steve

    Dear Jade,

    I was shaving this morning and I was very angry at some people I interacted with yesterday. Like your father, I’m not good at handling powerlessness. While thinking about them and raging at them, I sliced a nice long divot out of my own skin under the length of my jaw. Ugh! It added 10 or 15 minutes to getting ready for work, since I had to try and stanch the bleeding. Rarely do I get such a direct lesson in the effects of beating myself with the club of my own anger at others. I think it was Buddha who said “We are not punished for our anger — we are punished by our anger.”

    I’ve been reading you for some months now after following a link from Fluent, written by a friend of mine. What you’re going through touches me in several ways. My own father had a very serious stroke 10 years ago this summer, and has been paralyzed in bed since then, still mentally functional, but physically ruined. His personality, his selfhood, were changed. A stroke is a life changing event. I have a friend who is a neurosurgeon who counsels many people after their loved ones have a stroke. He always tells them that. Your loved one will survive, but this is a life changing event. Even a small stroke.

    I also know someone who hit their head in an accident and lost much of their memory as well as their sense of smell. I hadn’t seen this person in many years and when I ran into her she, too, had changed, didn’t remember me or moments we had experienced together, some of which were quite profound. She is an artist and claimed that the changes make her better able to create her art. I realized that when I told her what we’d experienced together, I was telling her my version, my memories of it, my story that I’d written and rewritten in my head over the many years we’d been apart. She just had to take my word for it. How weird. As for the art thing, well, Socrates, a smart guy, said the best of all things come to us via madness. I think that is what he meant, about the demons we all have that keep us up writing late into the night.

    Your stroke, I guess, can be a life changing event in either a good way or a bad way, depending on how you choose to incorporate it into your life. If only it were so simple as choosing one time, at one moment. But it is probably a choice you’ll have to make over and over, resolutely, for a long time.

    It is possible to let go of anger. I have been able to surrender some furious, hot hatred in my day, feelings so fierce I wanted to do murder. It is possible. When you manage it, it’s quite liberating. I’m glad you’re writing about your struggles and your triumphs here. Good luck.

  6. Thanks Steve–I am getting better…and learning my lessons through bumps and turns. Thank you for sharing, it helps me to know that others have similar struggles, and I send you many good thoughts. 🙂

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