nothing to say

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There is still nothing to say, really. I am keeping quiet. As a writer, I believe in the power of words–but even that power has its limits. We’re staring down a stark path with no deviations or meandering offramps. Each of us, with our unique grief, stumbles forward–fast, slow, running, crawling, begging, debating, bargaining, organizing, planning, crying.

Numb.
Towards reality.
In grief.

We are walking together, but so very alone.

I am struck with the aloneness of it all.

She is dead.

They discuss how…agonizingly, they discuss why. But–she is dead. To me, it doesn’t matter why or how because the result is in front of us and we cannot change it for all the world.

She is gone, all the conversations left unfinished and scattered. Our grief is so strong, we do not even dare to pick up the pieces–the disarray is hers and we do not dare to touch it. To touch it is to change it and make it ours.

On the counter, there was a piece of cheese she had been eating earlier in the day before she died, before the cheese even knew what it would become. No one wanted to move it–it was hers.

To some of us, the cheese hinted towards her eventual return, to others, it was too agonizing to move, it weighed like a house of bricks. We watched beads of sweat form, we watched the cheese curl, darken, wither.

There is nothing we can say, really.

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14 Comments

Filed under Life, SuddenDeath

14 responses to “nothing to say

  1. Oh my god. But you just said a lot. That cheese. Jade. You just captured so much.

    And of course then my brain leaped erratically to “Don’t Move My Cheese” or “Who Moved My Cheese?” or whatever that book is. What is that book about anyway? Surely not this.

    It never ceases to amaze me how you can be in the midst of the most devastating experiences and you capture them even when you say you’re not.

    You just did.

  2. Eric

    Honey, if your powers of prose were ever in question – tell that question where to go…

    With much sorrow in my heart for your and your family,
    E

  3. w

    Tearing up here. And the photograph is so beautiful. Thinking of you.

  4. ChaEsq

    So, so sorry ..

  5. My condolences…My thoughts are with you and your husband.

  6. Words are so inadequate. You are right Jade. There really is nothing to say except just be here. Our thoughts and condolences are with you in this time of loss.

  7. connie

    I am deeply sorry for your loss. Our thoughts are with you and your family.

  8. I’m so sorry for you and your family.

    I’ve never been confronted with the sudden death of a loved one. The deaths that announce themselves years in advance with illness– those are hard enough.

  9. Your pain and sorrow is ours… your words are beyond beautiful.

  10. Jade, I am so sorry for your loss. I haven’t experienced the sudden death of someone precious to me, but I imagine that it’s close to having a limb torn off. I’m thinking of you.

  11. I am sorry for your loss, I wish you strength.

  12. thank you–we’re facing it and trying not to blink

  13. Pingback: just half a life « Writing Under a Pseudonym

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