Lilypad to Lilypad

IMG_7194

I went to speech therapy today. I went with great joy and I looked forward to an hour focused on my recovery and support. I had not realized how HUNGRY I was for this level of caring, but there I was, almost jubilant for the appointment. But as I sat in the waiting room, fiddling with my blackberry, it dawned on me that I did not remember the NAME of the truly wonderful speech therapist I had finally been coupled with. I felt awful. What was it? Thank goodness for name tags.

As soon as I saw her name, I remembered. How could I have forgotten?

It seemed a lifetime had passed between my last appointment and the present. We talked about short story writing and my progress. She gave me tips, and insight. (A new pattern in my writing: Were my paragraphs always that short?). And she made it clear that I’d reached a point where most patients would be beyond the reaches of needing speech therapy. Okay. I held my breath.

“I think you’re ready to fly,” she said in her kind manner.

What?

“I will give you the choice of making this appointment your last, or making one more appointment.” She said this kindly again, her face in her always pleasant expression.

I was disappointed. Yes, after months of fighting through recovery, and wishing for this day, I found myself not joyous but…DISAPPOINTED. I couldn’t let her go–I had struggled so hard to find the “right” speech therapist, and…I just couldn’t let her go. I felt so buoyed by her presence and guidance. I felt a great loss. I felt…so alone.

Ugh. I chose to have one more session with her.

The news weighed heavily in my mind today. What would I do? In the last few weeks, the structure of my support network has changed: my husband is in grief and I’m supporting him as best I can in the context of a great life change. I’d been isolated in another country, far away from friends–the mornings in Israel were the worst, when I’d sit in my darkened hotel room willing myself through to the late afternoon when my California-based friends would finally be awake and reading email and taking phone calls. Now my speech therapy would be ending. Hell, my support network was COLLAPSING before my eyes.

I was so hungry for support that I had overlooked what a huge accomplishment it was to “graduate” from speech therapy.

That did it. I swallowed my pride, and faced the truth: I needed support. I emailed my old therapist and made an appointment.

Lilypad. Leap. Lilypad.

Advertisements

3 Comments

Filed under Life, SuddenDeath, The Stroke

3 responses to “Lilypad to Lilypad

  1. Good for you, Jade. And I think there is much to be proud of re asking for support. I know way too many people who never ask for support, and only end up hurting themselves and others.

    I think much more damage can be made by “toughing it out” so I am very glad you wrote that email.

    And btw, congratulations on your “graduation.” I know it’s tough to lose that support you were so excited about, but what a great thing that says about your recovery.

  2. connie

    I’m totally with Susan here. What you’ve been going through is way too much to shoulder on your own. And a big step towards recovery is admitting that you need help.

  3. mel

    What can i say but second Connie and Susan? Congrats on this leap – it’s a good one.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s