Okay. It has finally happened…after some dreaded anticipation, I am utterly exhausted. I have no more energy–none to think with, none to help me cope with emotions, none to help me plan activities. I’m not talking about physical energy–I’m talking about brain energy. My brain is just…tired. It’s a weird dynamic, really, to feel physically fine but mentally exhausted, because in the past the two have gone hand in hand for me. But not these days.
I mean, I have some happy memories that I paid for this exhaustion with. Friendly visits, and some good work done, and some cookies I baked yesterday evening! But yesterday night I knew this streak of energy would not last. I was fading.
I was supposed to have gone to work today, but I slept through my alarm, snoozing steadily, only slightly aware of some distant beacon. It was only my husband hugging me goodbye that woke me up and then I laid in bed, dreading the day ahead, listening to the wind churl at the beginning of another hot day in our recent heat wave.
Ah, it had finally happened–I had hit the wall. The doctors have said that I would be facing limits to my energy as I recover from the stroke (“You will get VERY tired VERY easily for up to a year or a year and a half,” several clinicians have said to me)…but in recent days and weeks, I have been hesitant to acknowledge these limitations. For one, it gets REALLY BORING to blame EVERYTHING on “the stroke.” Secondly, I had been feeling so well, and been happily putting it past me!
But nope. I am exhausted, tired, spent. Can hardly think. I want to write and I just cannot. I am disconnecting myself from goals today because I know I cannot reach most of them.
So I am taking the day off–to sit at home, unshowered (or maybe I will shower later). I am hoping to be a new person by tomorrow.
Oops. I just made a goal. Bad!