the ugh thought from days ago

lily

Ah, here we go again–a post started days ago in the wake of multiple rejections, and then abandoned due to schedule, lack of time, and outright exhaustion. Again, I didn’t have the heart to delete the sentences, so full of immediate poignancy were they:

It happened while I was in the shower this morning–this huge seed of doubt that I hadn’t seen in a long time. What the hell am I doing? Why am I writing? What if I never get a novel published?

Days later, now I know better. I have the self-soothing answers down. And I know I have my answers as to why I write, and why I will keep on writing. But it’s humbling to have these thoughts and feelings every once in awhile. I mean, really, what do I have to say? Who’s reading? What impact will my words have on the world?

I think it “keeps me real.”

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9 Comments

Filed under Life, Writing

9 responses to “the ugh thought from days ago

  1. We’re all reading, and your words have an enormous impact.

    I constantly berate myself thinking “What if I never get a novel published?” and then I wonder why THAT particular goal is so important. It’s much more external than internal, I realize.

  2. lucy

    I always look forward to your writing. I feel less isolated and lonely — two feelings that have been creeping into my life more and more lately what with the internet, cell phones and living out here in suburbia. Reading one of your posts reminds me of one of those long phone calls on a land line with a good friend pre-1996.

  3. I promise you every writer, even ones who have had New York Times best sellers and won National Books awards, have those same doubts. Those who keep writing anyway are the ones who get published.

  4. Tea

    I love what Bustopher wrote above.

    A two weeks ago I had one of those transcendent writing days–you know, the ones that come all too infrequently but cause everything to make sense for a while. Here’s the email I wrote my friend/agent after it was over. This sums it up for me.

    “It makes me think about how writing truly is a craft, how it is something you spend your entire life trying to perfect (not the actual stories themselves, though that too, but the skills to be able to write the stories well). Five years ago I couldn’t have written what I am writing now–it wouldn’t have been as good. And, all willing, if I keep at it what I write next year will be better. It’s an upward slog, but sometimes we get moments of grace.”

  5. the writer’s demons are always hard at work, sometimes with more determination than the writer, i think!

    thank you all for your encouragement–and i hope that your encouragement will not only help me but others who also engage in this maddening cycle of fulfillment and discouragement.

    susan: you are always there with the right words. the ultimate writer friend.

    lucy: i am so happy to have made a connection with you. 🙂

    and bustopher–thank you for writing that. your personal determination always inspires me. thank you for sharing a little of it with me today.

    and tea: what a wonderful snapshot of a good writing day. it can happen, it can happen!

    tea:

  6. Tea

    It CAN happen–sometimes it even does. Perhaps your next one is just around the corner!

    🙂

  7. You are a really fine writer, Jade. Keep at it…and stay connected to your wonderful support system (I know you do).

  8. Pingback: Writing « Bustopher Jones

  9. I think that maybe you are experiencing a feeling that is painful but a part of the process. I feel that if you didn’t have this feeling that you wouldn’t be allowing yourself to be real. The only people who are destined to never publish, I believe are those who give up, and who are not real with themselves or in their writing. You are making all the right steps, though they are painful and I am sorry when you have such pain. But know that we all love your work and stand behind you. And….about the weed of self doubt that blooms overnight in one’s garden….I can tell you, I’ve been there…oh so many times. But hopefully this will soon pass. Keep up your valuable work.
    We believe.

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