I don’t know what to write, really…but I feel compelled to put up a post because I feel compelled to purge my thoughts somehow. It has been quite a week, what with my TIA and hospitalization, and visiting friends, trying to re-engage in normal life.
But in summary: I am, to put it succinctly, sick of being sick.
There was a time when I wanted to be handled with care, because I was feeling fragile. I didn’t look all that different, but I had utterly changed–and there I was, trying to blindly feel my way around in a new world, one without memories. I felt wholly abandoned, on so many levels.
My skin was thinner, my feelings more easily bruised, in the wake of my illness–and I tried very hard to resist my urge to distrust. But alas, I ended up more distrustful than ever. I had been abandoned more than once. I retreated. And retreated. And retreated. I did not make it easy for people to reconnect with me.
Now I find myself mostly recovered–and how do I announce this to the world?
I am sick of being sick. I am sick of being abandoned, of being discounted, of being tiptoed around. Yes, I had a TIA–but with no lasting effects–I am, for the most part, myself again. Of course, I am not wholly well yet–but I am so ready to leave this all behind me.
It was in a weird way, a good week. Though I was in the hospital, it put me on a trajectory with better healthcare and better doctors. And I didn’t have to take my lovenox shots for very long at all. My blood is dangerously thin right now, but I’m not worried (I get to eat my beloved seaweed to bring my INR/blood thickness up!). I visited friends with a new baby yesterday. And celebrated a friend’s upcoming wedding today.
It was a good week.
And tomorrow will be another good day spent with a good friend.