I have a limited amount of energy now–I have long been aware of this physical limit, and yet this fact surprises me at regular moments. I can do one big activity a day; for instance an outing with a friend of lunch out with a friend or going to work, or writing for a few hours. But often, I’ll forget and hit the wall–oops, I did too much. I’m a zombie now.
After about one large activity a day, I’m just very ineffective. No matter what I do, I can’t get traction on further activities–my mind is slippery, and I can’t get the words right on the page, or keep up a discussion. I fade. Like right now. (I spent the day running errands with my husband). Writing these words feels so unnatural, and the sentences look so jagged and ugly.
But still, I tell myself, keep going. You’ll see a distinct different in my blog posts written in the morning and ones written late in the day. This is one of those posts written late in the day, my mind tired, the words coming uneasily, the thoughts not so cohesive.
I’m not sure if this is a permanent thing, or something that is transitional. But despite my fighting it, my exhaustion is a real thing. I can barely keep up with my email spool and I feel so awful about the phone calls that I have yet to return (there are so many, and phone calls are challenging for me)!
I’m loathe to put things in my calendar because then I know there is very little else I can do that day. So the things I do put in my calendar are things that are of great value to me, and I find myself really picking and choosing my activities and how I am spending my time.
Before the stroke, I could just do anything–I was not limited in my energy, only in time. “I don’t have enough time!” I used to stammer. But now “I don’t have enough energy!” The PFO closure has nothing to do with this energy suck, and so all signs point to the stroke and another lasting effect. I can only presume my energy is being spent on healing. Soooo tirrrred. (Are you getting tired just by reading about my exhaustion?)
Still, I’m very busy! I’m planning a trip next month, and then school begins. Somehow, I’ll manage it all. I went berry picking weekend, and yesterday, I spent a day racing at the track (though I was only able to do two sessions while everyone else could easily do 4, if not 5). I spent the afternoon under the shade of a tree in the very hot summer heat, watching the cars go around. It was a dizzying effect.
And yet–where is the time to write? That is the question. For if I only have energy to do one thing a day, then my writing time becomes very precious and I do guard it when I can. Yet I’ve discovered that writing is a sharply energetic activity; one afternoon writing and my brain is mush the rest of the evening.
And then where is the time to blog? Sadly, it comes after my writing.