I have to confess–I’ve been fantasizing about another life. I’ve been furtively perusing rental properties in New York and London, and thinking of having a child. I’ve been imagining stepping out of a flat, greeting a doorman, and hitting the sidewalk of a bustling metropolis, walking to dinner each night (wearing a cute outfit and cuter shoes) or carrying groceries home, taking taxi cabs or the subway (in the London case “the tube”) all around town. I’ll be slimmer from all the walking! The sound of the city would always be outside my window! If I get bored, I could just go for walks around town!
And likewise, in a weird turn of events, I’ve been thinking (AGAIN! After I laid the baby beast to bed and muffled the biological clock!) of having a child. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a daughter or son (and I’ve debating between the two–AS IF I HAD A CHOICE)? To have an expanding family? Walk in a stroller around town? (Again–I would be slimmer from all the walking!)
Yes, I know those two things (relocating to a new town or country and living a hustle-bustle life and having a child) don’t necessarily go together, but you see, that’s the point. I’ve been looking for alternatives to my own life and my own setting.
My life as it is, is very very very good by most people’s standards. I live in a beautiful neighborhood, in a city that balances urban and surburban with a colorful flair. The weather is fantastic. I love my place. I don’t have a child–I get to sleep in on the weekends and run my own schedule. There is lots of love in our household. And my friends with children? Their babies are so darling, but after a few hours with the sweet children, I’m exhausted. I have no idea how my friends can keep going 24/7. Not to mention that I am challenged when it comes to my fertility. So I mystify even myself as to why I’m doing this, why I’m casting about for another setting and another trajectory.
I’m going to try to focus on this life and appreciating it more, even though at times I am inexplicably unsatisfied. I feel guilty in saying it, but sometimes I feel my own life is not enough. Am I so greedy as to want more? Yes. It’s awful. I want it all! But I know I can’t have it all.
So–maybe I’ll get my characters pregnant, maybe allow them to visit London or New York.
And I–I’ll walk out my door and breathe the air deeply. Force myself to smile, until the smile becomes genuine.
I’m going to check out new restaurants, see my city as new again.
I can’t fall into the trap doors I set up every few years for myself. Now is the time to be even better to myself, and keep myself on the healthy path, keep myself from trashing and poo-poo’ing what I have. Most of all, I want to be happy.