not knowing

I still don’t know what to do. It’s totally lame. If I could just stick my head in the sand and wait life and my desires out, I would. There’s a fork in the road, and I can’t figure out which road to take. I can’t figure out how to prioritize. I am fighting against lifelong patterns and impulses. This whole thing is making me so incredibly unhappy–either that, or my unhappiness is causing this tumult. It is TOTALLY LAME. Why can’t all the pieces just fall into place?

In the interim, I’m still obsessively dreaming about alternative lives. Escape!



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8 responses to “not knowing

  1. Hrmm. What do you have to lose (except maybe some of those lifelong patterns and impulses)?

  2. It might not be you. It might just be the stars.


    Because I’m going through the same exact thing. I failed the summer bar exam. It was the first time I ever failed per se at anything. I’m now going through motivational, intellectual, emotional, AND creative withdrawal.

    Plus, given my new…position…in life, I’m not sure what to do next exactly. Pursue a career in writing like I’ve always wanted to? Go back to school, this time for an MFA, because 100 grand in debt is just not enough debt yet? Actually become a lawyer because that’s the thing to do when you graduate from a law school? I seem to be failing at everything. All the short stories I send out to lit mags come back rejected. I can’t pass the bar, like I mentioned before. I’m currently jobless. Everyone I know is breathing down my neck with the question, “So what are you gonna do now?”

    I am hoping the new year will bring new…new something. Anything. Wait, let me clarify. Anything GOOD. New something, anything GOOD. The qualification is it’s got to be GOOD. It’s time for a change. Let something GOOD happen to me for once.

  3. There was a really provocative article in today’s SF Chronicle magazine, about women being unhappier than men for the first time in history, in large part because of the plethora of choices we now have. I felt like I could relate to a lot of it. I think we are suffocating from excessive choice, and a kind of paralysis over the many roads not taken.

    I hope the New Year will bring something good, too.

    And if you’d like to plumb my subconscious for answers: I had THE most detailed, intense dream about you last night! I was visiting your house, which was really like this very intense art loft space, and it was jam-packed with thousands of the most exquisite little pieces that you had made – collage items (like that great one of your parents in bathing suits!) and handmade books and just amaaaazing things that were breathtakingly beautiful. You said I could pick one thing to take home, and as I oohed and ahhed over shelves and shelves and antique tables full of stuff, I noticed that they were priced to sell at a gallery or something, and even the teeniest things, like these little matchbox shadow box things, were worth many hundreds of dollars. I was so awed and felt like, oh, I wish I had your life!

  4. Joyce: you are so wise! One part of my agony is that I just know the answer is soooo simple, it’s my own pile of disfunction doo doo clouding the decision (I call it my “poo cloud”).

    burnt sienna: Oh how funny. Just as I find myself totally confused by my situation, I can see your answer. 😛 I think you have follow your happiness. (e.g., get your MFA–it’s just 2 years out of your life, and who knows–you might get funding for your degree). It totally does suck to not pass the bar (I’ve had a couple of friends not pass their bar–they are brilliant people and were devastated)…and I hope you find some enlightenment during this “down time.”

    Susan: You nailed it on the head. I was just talking to the hubby and saying how privileged a position I’m in, and how much of a spoiled brat I seem, but that I am in TOTAL AGONY because there are two very decent choices before me. But one is the path well worn for me…and the other is the path not taken. And given my wish to just stick my head in teh sand? That’s my paralysis. But time is ticking.

    And I loooove your dream! Ah, if one day I really could have an art loft space…and I would definitely open my doors to you! btw: I gave my parents that very collage–they LOVE it. I would love to do a collage day again.

  5. I’m excited to hear about whichever choice you choose whenever it is you choose it…

    I don’t think it’s “totally lame” that you don’t know what to decide on! I just hope you know soon. Clarity regularly escapes me. Maybe it’s left me but is getting closer to you?

  6. Jade, I have had my own spell of deep, horrible unhappiness this weekend. And a close friend commented about the Buddhist thing about grasping, and desire, and blah blah you know how it leads to suffering and I just bought Sylvia Boorstein’s new book and have vowed to start going to some Buddhist classes in the New Year, because I think if I do not find another way to approach things, there is nothing but hell on the horizon, for me and those I love. I really do not think it is about making external changes, but internal ones. So: hint – I’d love some company.

  7. Eve

    Jade, I just finished re-reading a little book by Robert A. Johnson titled “She,” about the myth of Psyche. It’s such a quick read, but so rich; I recommend it because in the myth, Psyche must differentiate, choose, decide. This is the task, Johnson says, of every woman. We see so much, we can contain so much, and yet we have to decide.

    You’re not being lame, you’re feminine. It puts it into context, even if the deciding doesn’t come any easier. There is always going to be the pain of deciding for one thing, which sometimes (often?) means deciding against many others. It’s just not easy.

  8. Articles like these put the consumer in the driver seat-very imrnptaot.

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