I’ve built up the tension here, introduced conflict and surprise developments…and then never offered resolution. (I wish as a writer, I could do so well at building up tension in my fiction). And I’ve thought about how to provide an update, etc., etc., but I’ve gotten so busy that I never seem to have enough time to really put up a meaningful post. Meanwhile, you have all reached out to me and offered support and encouragement, only to be met largely with silence!
But here I am, with a few minutes to spare, home early because I left the office early to go to the doctors. So I’ll update.
1. With regard to the whole “losing sight in one eye” thing: I made an appointment with my eye doctor (optometrist) for next Monday. But then several of you became horrified that I was waiting so long (especially with my history of stroke), and made me promise to escalate. And my husband sat me down and said that my denial was not acceptable.
I really don’t want to admit I’m sick. I’m sick of being sick. I like to think things will go away.
But, bolstered now with voices and urging outside of my own self denial, I called my eye doctor to set up an earlier appointment. He was out sick. His partners said they wouldn’t take me on an emergency basis–that I should call my primary care physician. Bleah.
I did not call my PCP. (She is good for basic health care, but is over her head with this specialist stuff). So I called my neurologist (my beloved neurologist!!!! I looove him. He is the best doctor ever–if you ever need a neurologist and you’re in the Bay Area, email me for his name). I left a message and he called me back. After listening to my symptoms, he cleared a spot for me in his calendar this afternoon.
So I finished up work and scooted out to the car (yes, friends at work offered to drive me–but I could see out of ONE eye). I checked in at his office early for my appointment, and then went out into the hallway to gab on my cellphone with a friend. Oops. He popped his head out a minute later as I was in the middle of a really weird imitation on the phone. I met with him. We chatted (he’d taken my suggestion to read Murakami when I was in the hospital last year! He read The Wind Up Bird Chronicle and really liked it–“Very David Lynch,” he said–and I told him Murakami is a big fan of David Lynch). Oh, and we chatted about my symptoms too. He determined that the problem was most likely in my eye and not my brain.
I’m seeing an opthalmologist tomorrow to figure out what this sudden vision loss is. And I’m being set up for another MRI just to be sure. But it’s probably not a stroke.
I don’t know why I resist going to the doctor–I guess maybe I just grew up with sick people in my family who were ALWAYS going to the doctor at the first sign of anything, and maybe I didn’t want to “be like that.” And I just find it hard to go to the doctor for an “emergency” unless my arm is falling off. And if I’m okay–then I feel so lame, like “Oh sorry! False alarm!” Even though yes, it’s better to go for a false alarm and have it confirmed.
2. With regard to my existential crisis: I’ve put some thought into it, and considered advice. One thing a friend said to me sang in my brain–that if the problem is internal, no external change I make can resolve matters. So I’m staying put. I’m keeping the course. I’m not making any changes unless they’re clearly “better” than what I’ve currently got. I’m going to engage with my current life.
I’ve embarrassed myself some, asked for favors that I’m not going to take up. I feel badly. But–I’m going to stay on this road and see where it leads me, and bolster my writing however I can. I feel surefooted already.
And thank you, everyone, for your awesome support–some days, in my introversion…you’re the only input I get.