10pm.  Husband fell asleep at 8pm.  I’m wide awake.

I’m not only wide awake, but I feel alert.  Feeling alert at nighttime has become a very foreign feeling for me since the stroke, something that has forced me to become a strict morning writer.  Even if I am physically energized at night, my brain is utterly exhausted by dinnertime.  I can only do complex thinking and idea generation in the mornings.  But I feel different tonight!

Was it my friend’s visit last week?  I made good on my vow to giggle for two days straight.  We had a hilarious time, two days of elation–an elation that sort of reminds me of cocaine binges (I know, it’s kind of a bad comparison)…like when you totally deplete a month’s worth of endorphins in a fifteen minute high.  It was like THAT.  Nonstop laughter and giddiness and joy.

(I mean, not that I would KNOW what a cocaine high feels like…!)

I wondered at one point, why my husband was not joining us at the table for conversation–but then I realized how SCARY we must have been to a lone, introverted man: two cackling, giggling, nonstop talking, inside-joking, hyper women.  Kind of an exclusive club.

And I was baaad.  I left stuff out on the kitchen counters to spoil, I left other things in disarray, I got a speeding ticket!  (Because we were laughing our asses off in the car and I didn’t notice I was going 85 mph through a KNOWN speedtrap in Marin). I call myself “baaad” with a smile on my face. Sorry! (with a smile on my face).

I was exhausted for days after she left, thinking, “Oh. She’s gone.” I had residual giggles and when you giggle by yourself, it makes the room feel a LOT emptier. No one thought I was hilarious anymore!

And then when the exhaustion seemed endless, “Shouldn’t I have my energy back by now? Oh crap, this is when it becomes obvious to me that I had a stroke somewhere in my past.”  I slept until noon for a couple days, fell asleep at 8pm a couple of nights, dragged myself to work, had to chug caffeinated coffee to survive. For about a week.

But now?  I feel this renewed energy, I feel buoyed!  I feel ideas chugging in my head.  I guess I took 2 steps backward with my energy…then 3 steps forward.  I hope I hope I hope…?

We did joke about that–what if after we hang out, we each get a burst of writing?  It’s happened before to us–we hang out, we’re TOTALLY unproductive while together…then afterwards: jetfueled creative writing power.

I’m trying my hand at night-time writing.  If I can get some writing done tonight, what a landmark!  I haven’t been able to write at night in nearly TWO years.

I love my friend!

p.s. Happy Autumn!!!!!



Filed under Fiction Writing Links, Life, The Stroke, Writing

2 responses to “landmarks

  1. This is such a joyous post. Hooray for you, Jade! And hooray for fabulous friendships that make us laugh, be bad and occasionally get speeding tickets!

  2. Happy Autumn to you too! This sounds wonderful. xoxoxo, L

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