10pm. Husband fell asleep at 8pm. I’m wide awake.
I’m not only wide awake, but I feel alert. Feeling alert at nighttime has become a very foreign feeling for me since the stroke, something that has forced me to become a strict morning writer. Even if I am physically energized at night, my brain is utterly exhausted by dinnertime. I can only do complex thinking and idea generation in the mornings. But I feel different tonight!
Was it my friend’s visit last week? I made good on my vow to giggle for two days straight. We had a hilarious time, two days of elation–an elation that sort of reminds me of cocaine binges (I know, it’s kind of a bad comparison)…like when you totally deplete a month’s worth of endorphins in a fifteen minute high. It was like THAT. Nonstop laughter and giddiness and joy.
(I mean, not that I would KNOW what a cocaine high feels like…!)
I wondered at one point, why my husband was not joining us at the table for conversation–but then I realized how SCARY we must have been to a lone, introverted man: two cackling, giggling, nonstop talking, inside-joking, hyper women. Kind of an exclusive club.
And I was baaad. I left stuff out on the kitchen counters to spoil, I left other things in disarray, I got a speeding ticket! (Because we were laughing our asses off in the car and I didn’t notice I was going 85 mph through a KNOWN speedtrap in Marin). I call myself “baaad” with a smile on my face. Sorry! (with a smile on my face).
I was exhausted for days after she left, thinking, “Oh. She’s gone.” I had residual giggles and when you giggle by yourself, it makes the room feel a LOT emptier. No one thought I was hilarious anymore!
And then when the exhaustion seemed endless, “Shouldn’t I have my energy back by now? Oh crap, this is when it becomes obvious to me that I had a stroke somewhere in my past.” I slept until noon for a couple days, fell asleep at 8pm a couple of nights, dragged myself to work, had to chug caffeinated coffee to survive. For about a week.
But now? I feel this renewed energy, I feel buoyed! I feel ideas chugging in my head. I guess I took 2 steps backward with my energy…then 3 steps forward. I hope I hope I hope…?
We did joke about that–what if after we hang out, we each get a burst of writing? It’s happened before to us–we hang out, we’re TOTALLY unproductive while together…then afterwards: jetfueled creative writing power.
I’m trying my hand at night-time writing. If I can get some writing done tonight, what a landmark! I haven’t been able to write at night in nearly TWO years.
I love my friend!
p.s. Happy Autumn!!!!!