It all started when someone in my life started making some despicable decisions. It shocked me–and de-stabilized my world, the pretty world I’d constructed in my head. It was not so pretty. And it just went from there–stirred and enraged, I began looking around and was NOT happy with what I began to see. I’d drawn a picture and thought it was my life, thought it was the people around me, the work I was doing. Nope.
Now it’s a full-on meltdown.
I am having a meltdown right now and I think it’s going to change my life. I am enraged and frustrated, and worst of all, I am feeling HELPLESS. I feel…trapped, and I must get out of this situation without harming myself.
For those of you who know me, helplessness is NOT a feeling I tolerate very well. Whenever I feel helpless, I feel like I’m handcuffed and what I then immediately do is try to saw my hand off so that the handcuffs are off of me..but then I stop (because well, it physically and psychically hurts) and try to figure out another way. I am figuring out another way, now.
I cannot stomach some of the behavior around me, and I am realizing that I am not a fit for the life I’m leading. I am going to make a change, get on another vector towards happier more positive climes. I can’t say what that change is, because thus far, it’s merely a decision to make a change. I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Keep your fingers crossed for me, too. (btw, I am still happily married).
I am feeling awful right now, but at least…at least, I’m unbottling it. Now, back to crying and lying in bed. Why I numb out in the first place and block out all the pain until it becomes unbearable–well, that is another question I must ask myself because this is a pattern that has repeated itself too many times in my life to date.
Maybe at the end of all this, I’ll feel lighter.
p.s. I did see the Yves St Laurent exhibition at the de Young Museum in Golden Gate Park today with a good friend. It was historical and beautiful. Tuxedos! Safari jackets! Peacoats! Unwearable haute couture! Russian bohemian clothing! Hand-beading! It was FULL of PEOPLE.
The park was beautiful and FULL of PEOPLE. I felt odd the whole time. I love being around people, so I didn’t know WHY I’d maxed out on all the PEOPLE around me. But there I was, feeling TOO CROWDED. I guess my body knew before my brain did, that I was about to fall apart.
But you see–fashion and friends are a good thing. Fashion and my friend must have created the safe place in which for me to begin to fall apart.