It all started when someone in my life started making some despicable decisions. It shocked me–and de-stabilized my world, the pretty world I’d constructed in my head. It was not so pretty. And it just went from there–stirred and enraged, I began looking around and was NOT happy with what I began to see. I’d drawn a picture and thought it was my life, thought it was the people around me, the work I was doing. Nope.

Now it’s a full-on meltdown.

I am having a meltdown right now and I think it’s going to change my life.  I am enraged and frustrated, and worst of all, I am feeling HELPLESS.  I feel…trapped, and I must get out of this situation without harming myself.

For those of you who know me, helplessness is NOT a feeling I tolerate very well.  Whenever I feel helpless, I feel like I’m handcuffed and what I then immediately do is try to saw my hand off so that the handcuffs are off of me..but then I stop (because well, it physically and psychically hurts) and try to figure out another way.  I am figuring out another way, now.

I cannot stomach some of the behavior around me, and I am realizing that I am not a fit for the life I’m leading.  I am going to make a change, get on another vector towards happier more positive climes.  I can’t say what that change is, because thus far, it’s merely a decision to make a change.  I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, too. (btw, I am still happily married).

I am feeling awful right now, but at least…at least, I’m unbottling it.  Now, back to crying and lying in bed. Why I numb out in the first place and block out all the pain until it becomes unbearable–well, that is another question I must ask myself because this is a pattern that has repeated itself too many times in my life to date.

Maybe at the end of all this, I’ll feel lighter.

p.s. I did see the Yves St Laurent exhibition at the de Young Museum in Golden Gate Park today with a good friend. It was historical and beautiful. Tuxedos! Safari jackets! Peacoats! Unwearable haute couture! Russian bohemian clothing! Hand-beading! It was FULL of PEOPLE.

The park was beautiful and FULL of PEOPLE. I felt odd the whole time. I love being around people, so I didn’t know WHY I’d maxed out on all the PEOPLE around me. But there I was, feeling TOO CROWDED. I guess my body knew before my brain did, that I was about to fall apart.

But you see–fashion and friends are a good thing. Fashion and my friend must have created the safe place in which for me to begin to fall apart.




Filed under Life

10 responses to “meltdown

  1. !!!

    I am worried.

    I hope you make it through this, whatever’s going on. Please tell me if there is anything I can do to help.

  2. lucy

    oh jade. It worries me to see you this upset, too. I know you have the strength to get through this.

  3. Akrypti

    you want me to drop off honey at your place? honey from our farm! =) *hugs* you know the journal’s here for you. -D

  4. I think you are on the verge of a good change, a change that will put you on a positive track. Sometimes intense pain is a great signal that things need to change. You will find a good path, I know it.

    And I have to say, if I was feeling bad, fashion would just make me feel absolutely like killing myself and everyone around me. We are so different!!!

  5. w

    Babe! Call if you need an ear to scream into, even if for just a little minute.

  6. PS. But I am glad you like it and that you had a friend to share with!

  7. I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope you can gather threads of yourself and move beyond it. *wishes.*

    Sometimes too many well turned out people looking like (who knows if they are) they’re completely on top of things gives me a blue funk. As if it affects me, or changes where I am. Untrue, but hard to convince self of it.

  8. OMG darling! If you need a quick escape to a place where you can hide out for a few days, let me know! You’re ALWAYS welcome to hide out with us! No one will find you here! 🙂
    I’m sending you the best vibes I can to help you as much as I can!!!!
    Much love,

  9. Change can be a scary thing. I think you’re quite brave for facing the new vector in your life.

    Best of luck.

  10. Ugh! That sounds really rough. I have my fingers crossed for you. All I can say is, most cities only get built up and modernized (and improved) after a disaster of meltdown proportions. It’s not comforting for those whose city just exploded, collapsed, or whatever, but it does sometimes make starting in a new direction, or rethinking things completely, possibly because it becomes necessary. (This is who I’m understanding the minor meltdown currently going on in my own life.)

    But the drawing board is probably some time away, and for now, keep your head down, watch out for falling bricks, and stay in one piece. And good luck!

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