It was a brutal week, people. I had to lay a bunch of people off (I feel safe saying this now because it’s done…and because I’m anonymous and I won’t risk revealing what company I work for I’m airing my thoughts and feelings here–and those of you who do know, please don’t spread the word, even if we’re only one of thousands of companies laying people off).
I have a strange and deep loyalty to the company I work for, but it was fucking brutal. It was heartbreaking. It was personal for me. I hired most of the people, I was friends with them, I am a near-founder at the company, I had to do everyone’s exits. When possible, I gave them their last hugs. And sent them out into the cold. I imagined what they would do with the rest of their day, how they would feel the next morning. I kept it together for the remaining people because HR can’t break down in tears. And the remaining folks have to keep marching on.
Also, I had to do it knowing that my hours would be reduced, and with great uncertainty about my own job security. And with a great need to be comforted, but not always getting comfort. It’s also more complicated than I’m revealing in this post because I dont’ feel like revealing all.
But it’s over. I’m going down to 2 days of work/week. After most of the lay-off logistics were completed, I broke down. My boss knew I was upset but didn’t want to deal with it, but he didn’t have a choice. I broke down and cried and bawled in front of him.
Not great form for an HR person, but what the hell, it’s who I am. I’m an emotional HR person who hugs people at work, laughs in the office, and on very rare occasions, cries behind closed doors.
And I spent a great deal of this week both angry and incredibly sad.
It’s over and now I look up and see the world before me, glimmering under the bright blue winter sky. I feel exhausted like one only is after a good cry or devastating news. What can I do with both these boundaries/limits and possibilities before me? I don’t want to despair.
I’m going to spend the spare time writing. (OMG it is so HOT in this cafe! WTF? Why do they heat it like this? It’s like my parents’ house which is heated to an unbearable 85F. I’m going to DIE from this HEAT).
Okay like I said, I’m going to finish my novel. I’m going to make the best of it. I’m still going to try to accomplish my fun list (because of course you can still be happy and have fun without money and in a crumbling economy)…including that trip to New York (I am so blessed to be spending so little on the trip (sans food and sustenance of course) because of a credit with the airline and because my awesome friend hooked me up with an empty apartment).
But of course, the pragmatic side beckons and says I should take a shit job and slug through.
But I’ve *always* slugged through in life, and maybe maybe MAYBE this is the time to pursue dreams with furious abandon.