now getting back up

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Before the hammer fell, I was in emotional pain. Afterwards, I licked my wounds. Now, I’m peering around, getting back up with really no clear idea of what to do next and no clear vision of my trajectory go forward.

Meanwhile the weather is amazing and beautiful–the sky is blue blue BLUE and so clear that you can see the windows on the office buildings in San Francisco from where I live in Berkeley across the bay. The last of the gingko leaves are falling, and so there are piles of what look like golden origami on the sidewalks. The last few remaining leaves on trees flutter against this blue and clear and sunny backdrop. Last night, there was an amazing moonrise–a large white full moon floating slowly above the Berkeley Hills.

It’s hard to fall into too much despair when the surroundings are so picturesque–to the point where a brilliant Oscar winning cinematographer couldn’t make this shit up.

This is the setting in which things crumble. It’s so odd.

I’m going to New York in a couple of weeks–purposely scheduled for after the work calamity, so that I could take a break on the cheap, meet friends, have a change in scenery, get my head together, research my novel.

I’m determined to have good come out of this. I’m writing. I’ve made more progress on my novel in the last few days than I have in the last few months. Desperation is a great motivator, and everything feels incredibly urgent these days.

To all the friends who have offered me comfort I thank you. To my husband who has stuck by me and given me support, I thank him. To all who encourage me I thank you. Let’s make this year a great one. Change is coming, and it isn’t just in the form of a new president.

Update: And oh oh oh! And as of January 26, 2009 it’s going to be the year of the Ox. Finally–MY year has COME. Things are lining up…in fact, I made some Korean rice cake soup (dduk gook) today and I am kicking things off RIGHT.

Update 2: Oops. Oh no, I misunderstood. “According to Chinese Zodiac, if the zodiac sign of birth year is same to the zodiac sign of yearly cycle, then that’s an unlucky year to the person. Many troubles will come to bother the person. The person needs to manage events with caution at work, at home or traveling to avoid argument, lawsuit, accident, libel, blooding and money loss.” Okay time to eat the soup and hunker down and keep moving forward–the last year of the Ox (1997) was a horrible year for me.

But there’s this: “Career: The Unlucky Year Star and Fighting Stars move to your career area in year 2009. People relationship in your business or job circle will be poor. Business development has the difficulty to expand. You will face strong competition with coworkers in the company. Unfortunately, you are the underdog in the competition. You might keep losing your spirit, cannot focus on your task and then impact your job performance. The good news is that a Knowledge Star appears this year. If your job is related to art, writing, publishing, entertainment, creativity, acting or speech, then you have the chance to show your talent to people and open the door for your better job opportunity.

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