I have been irritated. Irritated by allergies–little itches that seem to originate on the inside of my eyelids, my throat, and my nose. Even inside my ears. Or maybe not my allergies, maybe…swine flu. 😛 Because in addition to allergies, it seems I have come down with
flu, despite the flu shot that has served me well all season long a bad cold. So now sore throat, runny nose, depleted energy…all irritations. But mostly I’m irritated somewhere inside my psyche, in a place that I currently find inaccessible and even mysterious.
Easily angered, easily hurt, moody, insecure, uncertain…irritation.
I was not aware of this irritation until I read Eve’s post in which she detailed a therapist’s irritation at her patient and her ensuing investigation into that irritation and its possible source. Irritation looks as if its source is external (such as my irritation by my surroundings, including people and my environment) but it is really internal. OMG: I have been…IRRITATED!
As my therapist once told me, “Someone pushes your button…but it’s YOUR button.”
My buttons are being pushed. I am irritated. And even though every ounce of me wants to strike blame on others, I know that I must look inward.
Looking inward is like going through an unkempt, unsavory jungle–looking through all the muck and discards, stuff that I’ve ignored, decided to deal with at a later time, hurt feelings fermented. Some of the stuff is old, and it never goes away: for example, I have settled all things with my father and forgiven him for all the ways in which he hurt my feelings but the scars remain, and so do my reactions to those behaviors. So when someone behaves towards me as my father did, I settle into an old and unhealthy behavior pattern. I become…irritated.
See? It’s a lot of digging, looking into my past hurts and insecurities and then turning the magnifying glass onto myself, highlighting all the scars, mars, hurts that albeit hidden, still exist.