struggling

snow

I have been irritated. Irritated by allergies–little itches that seem to originate on the inside of my eyelids, my throat, and my nose. Even inside my ears. Or maybe not my allergies, maybe…swine flu. 😛 Because in addition to allergies, it seems I have come down with flu, despite the flu shot that has served me well all season long a bad cold. So now sore throat, runny nose, depleted energy…all irritations. But mostly I’m irritated somewhere inside my psyche, in a place that I currently find inaccessible and even mysterious.

Easily angered, easily hurt, moody, insecure, uncertain…irritation.

I was not aware of this irritation until I read Eve’s post in which she detailed a therapist’s irritation at her patient and her ensuing investigation into that irritation and its possible source. Irritation looks as if its source is external (such as my irritation by my surroundings, including people and my environment) but it is really internal. OMG: I have been…IRRITATED!

As my therapist once told me, “Someone pushes your button…but it’s YOUR button.”

My buttons are being pushed. I am irritated. And even though every ounce of me wants to strike blame on others, I know that I must look inward.

Looking inward is like going through an unkempt, unsavory jungle–looking through all the muck and discards, stuff that I’ve ignored, decided to deal with at a later time, hurt feelings fermented. Some of the stuff is old, and it never goes away: for example, I have settled all things with my father and forgiven him for all the ways in which he hurt my feelings but the scars remain, and so do my reactions to those behaviors. So when someone behaves towards me as my father did, I settle into an old and unhealthy behavior pattern. I become…irritated.

See? It’s a lot of digging, looking into my past hurts and insecurities and then turning the magnifying glass onto myself, highlighting all the scars, mars, hurts that albeit hidden, still exist.

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3 Comments

Filed under Abstract Thoughts, Life

3 responses to “struggling

  1. Have you ever done meditation? I’m finding it’s an awesome way to look inward, literally. It’s kind of mindblowing. And the teacher is one of the most soothing (think calamine lotion on irritated skin) people I have ever met.

    (btw I don’t actually meditate at home, on my own, although I hope I eventually am able to. Right now I only do it in session with the teacher) But it’s had an also amazing effect on the outside irritants, even if its just once a week.

  2. Jade, I am sorry you are feeling this way. The cold, the weather, the gray sky — it’s getting to me. I thought we’d passed into spring/summer, and not being there is a huge bummer. Hope you find some solace in your digging, and remember, I am your neighbor and would love to have tea, any time you’re available. xoxoxo

  3. Foodie: I do my own form of meditation, though I neglect it very much. I just can’t really relax in public and break down in public…it is a very private act for me. But just the act of writing these feelings down here and in my diary and letting them go…well, that’s amazing in and of itself.

    bloglily: you are amazing! For some weird reason, I am liking the cloudy rainy weather and cringe at all the pollen on sunnier, drier days (as I like to say, “allergies are plant jizz on your face.”) 😛 But this whole climatic ambivalence is a drag, too. Things are beginning to turn around–the act of stating my struggle has lifted much of it.

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