ah, i sense a pattern

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I am miserable. I am feeling creatively blocked. I hate everything I write. I feel worthless. I feel aimless. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. And eat. Everytime I feel better, I veer off the elevated road into a muddy putrid foul ditch.

Out of curiosity, I looked up blog posts in March/April in previous years. Oh. I am miserable EVERY March and April. In this exact, anxious and miserable and self berating way.

I looked up previous May posts. I become happy again.

Maybe I should just take a vacation from my fiction for a month (apparently my Muse goes on vacation then, too). Staring at the screen and feeling like a failure and wanting to cry out of pure frustration is a real drag.

Update: right after I wrote this post, a friend of mine emailed me a nytimes opinion piece by David Brooks on Sandra Bullock. In his article, the writer begins with the following description and question:

Two things happened to Sandra Bullock this month. First, she won an Academy Award for best actress. Then came the news reports claiming that her husband is an adulterous jerk. So the philosophic question of the day is: Would you take that as a deal? Would you exchange a tremendous professional triumph for a severe personal blow?

My answer: no. No matter how shitty my writing goes, I wouldn’t trade my marriage in. Long long ago I asked for one thing out of life: marital happiness. Long ago, I prioritized my marriage above my writing. The happiness and support from my marriage is the platform for my life, one that if erased, would devastate me more than writing failure.

Of course, I’m still miserable about my writing.

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8 Comments

Filed under Writing

8 responses to “ah, i sense a pattern

  1. Me too, me too. March is an awful month for the muse.

    Also, David Brooks? Kind of an asshole. I hate the implication in that piece that if only Sandra Bullock hadn’t been so successful, she could have been happy in her marriage, as if the two were mutually exclusive.

  2. I saw that op-ed too — I def. I agree with your take on it.

    As for March, yes, me too. I’ve been unable to write, hate looking at what comes out, etc., etc., etc. Hoping May comes soon for both of us (and I would totally be thrilled if May came in April!).

  3. Eve

    I hope I won’t irritate you by waxing psychological, but what’s your anniversary for this time of year? No… no, don’t answer here, but just think about that. If it happens every time of year, naturally it’s seasonal and either comes as the result of some vestige of an anniversary (loss, trauma, etc.) or is simply just that–seasonal. We go up one hill, down another.

    These cyclical slumps are things I see a lot of in my family.

    • Contemporary Troubadour: Maybe we should take the time to read. Argh. πŸ˜›

      Eve: You are a wise woman with an excellent question. Worth investigating. I have definitely experienced anxiety during parts of the year that I have later identified with stress patterns from childhood (end of the semester type stuff)…but Spring must have its demons.

  4. I had the same thought — sometimes losing myself in someone else’s words helps a lot.

    Regarding your protected post — I’d like to read if you’re willing to share. (I don’t have your e-mail address, am not on Twitter, and can only say I “know” you through your work here. If you’d rather not share, I understand.)

  5. anonwupfan

    “Also, David Brooks? Kind of an asshole.”

    This has got to be the early frontrunner for understatement of the millennium. Google up his piece about the Haitian earthquake. In DB’s world the victim seems to be taking a lot of the blame! Makes you wonder what kind of deal DB took in exchange for his professional success.

    My answer: The only choice we ever have is to take what comes. In any life worth living, the blows will come regardless of our triumphs. That being said, a great marriage is a rare triumph indeed! I’d take that over a win in some work-related popularity contest every single time.

  6. There’s something really sexual about that photo. I didn’t read that op-ed, but I agree with you, Jade. I wouldn’t trade my marriage for a Pulitzer. Tempting, but no πŸ˜‰

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